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24 Life Lessons, Courtesy of my Cat

Dogs are wonderful. Cats are evil. This is a very simple statement that may spark a lot of controversy. But I’m taking Thought Catalog’s24 Life Lessons Courtesy of my Dog” and replacing them with what my roommates cat would think (so basically the opposite of everything good in the world).

  1. You can choose to lay on the bed all day or you can choose to lay on the couch all day. Either way I’m napping for 24 hours a day. Every day. Suck it.
  2. Never underestimate how many times your owners will refill your water bowl after you splash all the liquid out of it.
  3. Sometimes it’s all right to bite whoever is trying to rub your belly.
  4. Always bite the hand that feeds you. And all other hands you see.
  5. Make sure you stretch thoroughly before you do anything useful. But don’t do anything useful.
  6. If a loved one is sad, don’t approach them, just walk through the room quietly and find somewhere to hide for a few hours.
  7. There are times you chase a ping pong ball, and there are times you don’t chase a ping pong ball.
  8. Always discriminate. Dogs are evil. Bite them.
  9. The best place to nap is everywhere.
  10. There is no bigger sign of affection then rubbing against someone’s leg.
  11. It’s OK to be underwhelmed by all human activity.
  12. Walking on kitchen counters is good. Jumping on kitchen cabinets is infinitely better.
  13. Pick carefully where you go to the bathroom. And by that I mean anywhere. Really. Just do it.
  14. A good poop will always improve your day.
  15. Only meow when the situation warrants it. And by that I mean never. Meow = nice. Silence makes you seem superior.
  16. Be a picky eater.
  17. If someone enjoys scratching your back, bite their thumb.
  18. Always know how to push a glass off a table and break it.
  19. Take good care of your fur.
  20. Loyalty is stupid.
  21. If someone hurts someone you care about, you pretend not to notice.
  22. It’s all about opportunities: if you’re not there, you just annoy everyone til you get food. And then don’t eat it.
  23. Even if you’re alone, someone will try to pet you. Run away.
  24. Always go for what you want.
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Shipping up to…outer space?

Every single time I’m heading back to Boston from somewhere, I always set my status as “Shipping up to Boston.” But I guess that could be impossible if you were shipping back from outer space.

So this kind, Justin Down, from my school (Northeastern University) is heading up there. To outer-fucking-space.

Would it be wrong to say I feel the need to have sex with him? Considering this man attends my university and isn’t yet an astronaut gives me a considerable chance to actually bone an astronaut. It’s just one of those things that you aspire to do but then realize you never could. Well I can. Challenge accepted. Continue reading

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