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The 10 people you see on the T

The Grocery Shopper

These are the people who have 30 bags of groceries annoyingly taking up more than one seat, or six feet of floor space, on the T. Some of them are even eating out of their Stop n Shop bags because they just can’t wait ’til they get home to eat that Pop Tart. Most of them will be going from Chinatown to Brigham Circle – but alas, sometimes even “normal” people like you and me are guilty of having excessive grocery bags take up valuable space on a crowded train. My favorite part is when only a thin plastic bag comes between the disgusting floor of the T and the apple that this person will soon bite into. Just think about it. Ew.

The Backpacker

This person is wearing a backpack. Not all of these people are evil – but most are. The ones that are evil are the ones that know they are wearing a backpack, but do not know that it takes up an extra foot of space. Nothing is worse than when you are sitting minding your own business and then get smacked in the face by some Backpacker’s stupid North Face backpack filled to the brim with what must be bricks.

The “Gym Rat”

This is in quotation marks because usually these people are women who are blatantly not on the way to or from the gym. They are decked out in Lululemon and get off the T at Park Street or Downtown Crossing, where they will obviously be shopping rather than pumping iron. They are absolutely judging you for not being as “in shape” as they are since they drink Skinnygirl Margaritas and follow the Paleo diet. These are also the women that wear yoga pants literally everywhere to keep up their image of fitness even though they haven’t seen the inside of a gym since they gave up on their New Year’s resolution four months ago.

The People with a Job

These people can sit still on the T. They don’t make anyone scared by yelling random shit out loud and they’re usually reading either a book, The Wall Street Journal or The Boston Globe. These are the people you should try your very hardest to sit next to.

The People without a Job

These people can usually not sit still on the T. They are generally homeless and some may even beg for money while riding public transit (which costs money to ride). People that can’t sit still for more than five minutes kind of scare me and make me generally nervous to be in their presence. There have been some interesting people I’ve seen on the T and the most ridiculous ones definitely fall in this category. I’ll give you a little taste:

  • Red Line – The dude that takes over the T car and blares music and dances & does flips while the car is in motion. Then he asks for money (shocker)
  • Green Line – The dude that clucks. He clucks. I’ve seen him on more than one occasion. I promise this is real.
  • Red/Green Line – The dude that says he “just got out of the hospital” even though he’s riding the T towards the hospital and begs everyone for money and telling everyone that’s why he needs money.
  • Every single person riding on the orange line is usually some form of crazy (unless there’s a B’s game soon – then it’s acceptable)
  • Almost everyone riding the Blue line

The iPod-ers

Those that listen to their iPods on 100% volume in a small space are generally assholes. I’m sorry but if I can hear your reggaeton from halfway across the train car, you’re probably going to be deaf in 10 years. Also – if you’re taking out your ear buds to ask what stop is next then you should probably, I don’t know, LISTEN to the announcer when they say it. The worst part about these offenders is that when you say to them “excuse me” when you’re trying to get out of the train, they can’t hear you. And even if they can, they always decide to ignore you.

The Metro Readers

These people are only reading the news because it was forced upon them by a Metro toting person in an MBTA station – or they found one sitting on a seat on the train. Usually they don’t keep their Metro – they’ll be that asshole to leave it on the train for someone else to slip on later. But sometimes there are just the occasional decent people out there that toss it in the recycling bin. Most older men and people who care about actual news tend to read actual newspapers that they pay for. But not all of us have that kind of disposable income…

The Greedy Seaters

There are two sides to this offensive T rider. One is the person who knows they are too fat to only take up one seat, and the other is the person who successfully fits into one seat but feels that their bag/purse/shit also needs a seat of its own. Why do people insist on doing this? If you’re too fat to only occupy one seat, you should probably walk to your destination. If you think your bags of shit are in need of their own place on the train, please know that everyone is silently judging you for being an asshole, because the place on the train for your shit is the floor.

The Sleepers

These people give zero fucks. They have nowhere important to be so if they fall asleep on the T and wake up at the wrong stop – it doesn’t even matter! The funniest part of the people who sleep on the train is when they snore…or drool. The worst part is when it’s the person next to you and they’re slowly drooping on to your shoulder.

The Parents

Probably the worst people you can possibly get stuck on a crowded train with. Some parents are fine and actually have adorable, well-behaved children. But the ones who have either been absent from their child’s baby-hood or generally don’t care to be considerate of others really piss everyone off. What is worse than a baby crying loudly in a small space that you cannot exit? Not even death. The best part is when the parents don’t even make any basic attempts to soothe the crying infant. Seriously. It happens. Parents out there – please be considerate of those of us who have had a long day and put a muzzle on your child.

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