Humor, Offensive humor

Thirsty Thursday: Jersey style

I absolutely love going out on Thursdays. It’s like going out on a Friday or Saturday but not having to try as hard. Except when you’re in New Jersey, apparently.

For reference, here’s what I wore: A cute, simple white tank with a gold zipper from Express, dark wash Express jeans, Jack Rogers, stud earrings, MK watch, navy blue Fossil wristlet. That’s it.

Now I’m going to describe some of the most memorable outfits I saw tonight. I’m not even exaggerating

  1. Midriff-bearing tight tee, motorcycle jacket, maroon jeans, metallic strappy stilettos, Gucci hat. I have a few comments on this outfit. If it’s warm enough to wear a tee that shows half your stomach, maybe you don’t need a leather jacket? Or if you do, it’s probably not warm enough to be wearing a tiny tee. Do people still wear colored jeans? IT’S THURSDAY – the strappy stilettos are so unnecessary in a place playing the Stanley Cup Playoffs and decorated with taxidermy fish. Also, the Gucci hat was on backwards. Jussayin.
  2. Neon yellow/green tee shirt that was seemingly purposely cut up and tied back together, lace bralet (I know because it was showing in the back through the tied up portion of the shirt), ill fitting jeans, white Chuck Taylor’s. Do I even need to comment? If you’re still purchasing clothing that was purposely ruined and put back together you’re probably not old enough to be in an establishment serving alcohol.
  3. I saw parachute pants. Enough said.
  4. A girl with half of her hair dyed pink. Not like a streak for breast cancer or something. Half of her hair.
  5. A MAN wearing blue and black Adidas sneakers (high top, obvi), royal blue and white Adidas breakaway pants, A navy blue and gray camo shirt, and an American flag hat (flat brim, obvi). I’m blue da ba dee da ba di

I know how judgmental this sounds. Try to put yourself in my shoes. The men are wearing jerseys and watching the Rangers lose (oh, darn) and the women are dressed for the club, the Jersey Shore (the TV show, not the actual place), or like they just got out of prison and these are the only street clothes that they had left. It’s like they raided a lost and found box and gave up halfway through.

All I have to say is: Girls, come on. You’re at a suburban New Jersey bar that weirdly has a fishing/sports bar vibe and you’re trying so hard it hurts to look at you. Take it down a notch or try Manhattan next Thursday.

There are plenty of aggressive dressers in Boston (ok, no, not really) but I think New Jersey takes it to a whole new level. It’s like they all decided to live the theme of this blog: “fresh, hilarious, and slightly offensive.” Actually, it’s like they all wore these outfits specifically so that I would have something to write about tonight.

THANKS, LADIES!!! YOU MA GIRLZ!!!

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