Humor, Offensive humor

Definitive signs you’re a complete asshole

  1. You make noise. If you turn on a blender at 6:55 a.m. you officially suck as a roommate and a person. I don’t care if my alarm went off 10 minutes ago – my eyes are still closed and I’m in my happy place until my “final straw” alarm goes off. Oh wait you just ruined my happy place. Die.
  2. You talk on the phone. If you’re in the gym locker room talking about your friends failed relationship you should probably question all of your actions including this one.
  3. You get naked in public. Seriously can we all just agree that anyone that gets completely naked in the gym locker room is either really self-absorbed or really fucking awful? I get it – you work out. Go in a changing room or put your one bra over the other and stealthily take the one underneath off.
  4. You bring your laptop on public transportation. I’m not talking about 5 hour bus rides here, I’m talking about whipping out your laptop on a rush hour train to finish up that sentence that just couldn’t wait two stops until you got to your favorite Starbucks.
  5. You listen to Spotify. OK, OK, listen to it all you want but if one more person tells me how superior Spotify is to Pandora I will scream. Not only do I not listen to Pandora in the first place, but I’m perfectly happy with my current music and streaming options. Sorry I don’t want to share with all my Facebook friends that I listened to “Jealous” by Nick Jonas 24 times in a row on Friday night and I don’t want the music to stop because I havent touched my laptop in an hour.