Online Dating


They are fucking back.

These five morons from my alma mater (they bring shame to our family) have created a joint Tinder account to presumably guarantee that they get laid. They are essentially saying that as long as you have a vagina, one of these respectable young men will gladly service it. Because they don’t discriminate.

Usually I would cover their faces but nah. They’re asking for this. Not like women who are “asking for it” for wearing an article of clothing. These guys are legitimately posting on Tinder that they are asking for it. From girls with “daddy issues” and “fat asses” and “big boobs. And small boobs.”

The most interesting part of this to me is not that these guys are all looking for sex, it’s the fact that they decided that a joint Tinder account would get them more pussy than their own would. (Soooo, you’re bringing the wingman to Tinder, interesting.)

To be totally honest, I actually know one or two of these clowns and any self-respecting female would absolutely not want to go near their nether regions. I’m not saying this because I’m bitter or something – I’m saying this because ew.

Part of me wanted to swipe right just to find out how their whole process works. Do they all swipe? Does one guy swipe on behalf of all five? Do they decide which girl gets matched up with which guy or do they allow the girl to choose her own fate? WHY DON’T THEY HAVE THEIR OWN TINDER ACCOUNTS?!

If anyone can offer up an opinion I am very confused and would love some insight. Ladies? Men? Bueller?



P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.


2 thoughts on “Oneofuswillbangu

  1. #3 says:

    Hi Allie,

    I happened to stumble upon this quote and though I’d help alleviate your pain by answering your burning questions. But first, I’d like to say that I’m thoroughly disappointed in your tone and demeanor when you haven’t even had the full experience of speaking to us. To me, it sounds like you might be bitter that you didn’t instant match with us, but that’s besides the point.

    To quickly answer your questions, we all go through a meticulous process of choosing the girls we would think are compatible with one of us and open our doors to everyone. We all converse at once, and have a fun conversation. You seem to be forgetting that Tinder is an application in which both parties have to consent to match, and in order to speak with one another. Everyone has a choice to match with someone or not, and if it truly is appalling to them, they may choose to swipe left and get on with their lives (which I thank you for not doing).

    Based on everything you have said, it seems that you are overlooking what we actually stand for, which is, the empowerment of women and to give them the opportunity to make choices, and to select from who they find attractive, as all men and women have different tastes. As to why we don’t have our separate tinders, we did. We got bored. So in contradiction to your statement that we are “looking to get laid,” we actually weren’t. We were providing a service in order to bring happiness to those who sought it. The girls were the pursuer, and not us.

    All in all I’d say our group tinder was a huge success even though we got banned, and two of us are now in relationships because of it. It seems like you’re against the idea of feminism and our initiative to welcome all types of women into our group. In the end, I guess my only response is, how’s your boyfriend doing?

    PS: I’m making a new account. It’s named NoneOfUsWillBangYOU

    – OneOfUsWillBangU

    • ahearts says:

      Hi #3/OneOfUsWillBangU/NoneOfUsWillBangYOU/@AbrasiveAsshole,

      Thanks for your reply. I’m glad you saw this 6 months later and decided to answer my questions. I appreciate you reaching out via Twitter or else I never would have seen it!

      I totally support feminism (as evidenced by approving this comment, obviously) and a woman’s right to choose. If a woman chooses to swipe right on you and the boys then I hope it works out – and it looks like for some of you it did, which is awesome.

      This whole post was written in a very tongue-in-cheek tone (similar to your Tinder bio) and I’m sorry if that offended you in some way. Your whole idea of a joint Tinder was kind of ridiculous and hilarious and, let’s be real, a little bit weird. I’m glad it was a success for you, though.

      I would say I look forward to swiping left on your new Tinder account but sadly you would no longer show up in my Maximum Distance =/


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