Humor

Why I don’t need a boyfriend

Happy Wedding Season, y’all!bridesmaids-quotes

As I was watching The Bachelorette the other night I came to a very interesting realization. I could never say “I love you” to someone after mere weeks. Maybe it’s because I’m naturally cynical and generally have problems showing emotion, but is it actually normal to fall in love with another person within 6-8 weeks?

I asked my coworkers (who I’m extremely close with) when they said “I Love You” to their significant others for the first time and two of them couldn’t even answer me because they’re married and probably say it every single day (and have for, like, years). The other one told me it was probably about two months. Woah.

But, honestly, I’m fine without love for now.

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Humor

I got a lot of traffic yesterday

Thanks to a post I wrote in April, I got quite a few page views yesterday. Actually, I’d like to thank my new friend #3/OneOfUsWillBangU/NoneOfUsWillBangYOU/@AbrasiveAsshole because it’s really probably all thanks to him. My Klout score went up half a point – woo!

I posted a tongue-in-cheek response to a Tinder account he and his friends created that I came across back in April when I still lived in Boston.

I really don’t post much on here and the only real reason for that is I just don’t have time. Keeping up with the multiple social media accounts I have is already exhausting and don’t even get me started on my lack of Tinder game.

Anyway – for any new readers out there (not that I think any of you will ever come back) I want you to know that I’m going to try harder to document my distaste for things and maybe someone like my boy #3 will notice and tweet about it. But probably not. I’m not even trying to pretend like I care about being Internet famous. My Klout score is 52, come on now.

You should probably follow @AbrasiveAsshole cause some of his tweets are pretty funny. Mine are mostly pictures of the sky and complaining about tourists.

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Humor

Renaming Elite Daily articles because they’re legitimately so unrealistic

Sometimes Elite Daily is fucking hilarious. Their Labs videos, like the one where the tall guy hooks up with girls just because he’s tall and wearing a hat, make me pee my pants. As fucked up as that video was, it’s sad to see that there are some women that are so desperate to do things “for the story” that they end up looking like idiots in the process. I feel like that’s something Elite Daily not only feeds off of but also encourages. Not that I don’t love a good article about how I’m living my life the wrong way or how to live it better (according to another self-righteous millennial), I just feel like sometimes these articles can perpetuate an unrealistic expectation – just me?

I decided to take a look at a few articles I saw in the last few days (by no means is this a comprehensive list) and update them to what is actually going through the stream of consciousness of an average single millennial. Check ’em out. Let me know what you think.

I Hate People: Why I’ll Never Work In The Retail Industry Again AKA I hate People: Why I’ll complain about working in the retail industry to anyone who will listen

Don’t Give Up: 8 Ways To Manage Your Time For Success Post-College AKA 8 Things to read about before you start actually managing your time

Sink Or Swim: 6 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Graduating AKA 6 Things I wish I read on Elite Daily before graduating instead of figuring it out on my own

For Now Vs Forever: The Difference Between A Rebound And The Real Thing AKA Read this and realize that maybe you won’t find your husband at 23 and that’s cool

How I Broke The Rules Of Dating And Ended Up With A Boyfriend AKA I have a boyfriend: Maybe one day you will, too

Be Self-Aware: 5 Basic Things All 2015 Grads Need To Embrace ASAP AKA I used trendy words to convince you to read this article about not posting irresponsible photos to social media: PS your mistakes will follow you everywhere

Why I Chose To Travel Abroad When I Graduated Instead Of Get A Job AKA I couldn’t get a job so this seemed like a good excuse to do some “soul searching”

Great US Soccer Players Have One Thing In Common: They’re From New Jersey AKA If you’re from New Jersey you’re automatically #Blessed

Soooo am I totally off base? Or nah? Lmk.

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.
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Humor, OkCupid, Online Dating

One-liners gone wrong

I love a good pickup line. Actually, I don’t even like a good pickup line, I like clever ones (or at least ones that make me giggle and not face-palm). However, more often than not, the pickup lines I encounter make me want to throw my phone across the room and declare my eternal single-ness from the top of the Empire State Building.

What does this even mean?

Exhibit A

Exhibit A: To give you some background, on my profile it says I’m good at being sarcastic and parallel parking. I’m not sure why he would but those two things together to create one very weird connection, but he did. I’m also not sure what he expected my response to be – “Yes, I usually use irony and wit when I’m talking to parking spots I’m trying to get into.”

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

Exhibit B: Did he miss the part where I said I was interested in men?! In all fairness, maybe he did. But either way, why does he think I care what his sister thinks of me? Realistically, I wouldn’t meet the family until at least a few months into dating and we’re just not there yet. At least take me to dinner first. Also, why would your sisters taste in women affect your taste in women? Are you turned on by the same type? I’m seeing multiple red flags here…

Exhibit C

Exhibit C

Exhibit C: I’m relatively certain neither of these things are happening. Ever. Also, put a space between your word and your wink 😉

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.
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Humor

My first date in NYC

Guys. I went on a real, live date over the weekend. And it wasn’t terrible. 

Whenever a semi normal looking/sounding guy on OkCupid messages me I’m always a little skeptical. Not necessarily about why he’s single or why he’s on that app, but more so about when things are going to take a turn for the worse. Is that a terrible outlook? Maybe. But I have my reasons – most of which you’ve read about.

Either way, this guy opened with a very original opener asking what I do for work. He totally called himself out on being unoriginal so I was on board. Anyone who is down to poke fun at themselves is okay in my book.

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Humor, Online Dating

Even Batman takes shits?

Just to prove to you that this has happened more than once…

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 8.52.54 AM

Ugh. 

If you’re confused about what I’m talking about… See this post for reference. Hint: This NEVER WORKS.

Obviously this did not pass my strict filters. I had to search in the depths of my Filtered Messages for this gem. Only so I could immediately delete it and open up space for more creepy messages. Ain’t nobody got time to pay for A-List.

 

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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