Humor, Offensive humor

Definitive signs you’re a complete asshole

  1. You make noise. If you turn on a blender at 6:55 a.m. you officially suck as a roommate and a person. I don’t care if my alarm went off 10 minutes ago – my eyes are still closed and I’m in my happy place until my “final straw” alarm goes off. Oh wait you just ruined my happy place. Die.
  2. You talk on the phone. If you’re in the gym locker room talking about your friends failed relationship you should probably question all of your actions including this one.
  3. You get naked in public. Seriously can we all just agree that anyone that gets completely naked in the gym locker room is either really self-absorbed or really fucking awful? I get it – you work out. Go in a changing room or put your one bra over the other and stealthily take the one underneath off.
  4. You bring your laptop on public transportation. I’m not talking about 5 hour bus rides here, I’m talking about whipping out your laptop on a rush hour train to finish up that sentence that just couldn’t wait two stops until you got to your favorite Starbucks.
  5. You listen to Spotify. OK, OK, listen to it all you want but if one more person tells me how superior Spotify is to Pandora I will scream. Not only do I not listen to Pandora in the first place, but I’m perfectly happy with my current music and streaming options. Sorry I don’t want to share with all my Facebook friends that I listened to “Jealous” by Nick Jonas 24 times in a row on Friday night and I don’t want the music to stop because I havent touched my laptop in an hour.
Humor, Offensive humor

Thirsty Thursday: Jersey style

I absolutely love going out on Thursdays. It’s like going out on a Friday or Saturday but not having to try as hard. Except when you’re in New Jersey, apparently.

For reference, here’s what I wore: A cute, simple white tank with a gold zipper from Express, dark wash Express jeans, Jack Rogers, stud earrings, MK watch, navy blue Fossil wristlet. That’s it.

Now I’m going to describe some of the most memorable outfits I saw tonight. I’m not even exaggerating

  1. Midriff-bearing tight tee, motorcycle jacket, maroon jeans, metallic strappy stilettos, Gucci hat. I have a few comments on this outfit. If it’s warm enough to wear a tee that shows half your stomach, maybe you don’t need a leather jacket? Or if you do, it’s probably not warm enough to be wearing a tiny tee. Do people still wear colored jeans? IT’S THURSDAY – the strappy stilettos are so unnecessary in a place playing the Stanley Cup Playoffs and decorated with taxidermy fish. Also, the Gucci hat was on backwards. Jussayin.
  2. Neon yellow/green tee shirt that was seemingly purposely cut up and tied back together, lace bralet (I know because it was showing in the back through the tied up portion of the shirt), ill fitting jeans, white Chuck Taylor’s. Do I even need to comment? If you’re still purchasing clothing that was purposely ruined and put back together you’re probably not old enough to be in an establishment serving alcohol.
  3. I saw parachute pants. Enough said.
  4. A girl with half of her hair dyed pink. Not like a streak for breast cancer or something. Half of her hair.
  5. A MAN wearing blue and black Adidas sneakers (high top, obvi), royal blue and white Adidas breakaway pants, A navy blue and gray camo shirt, and an American flag hat (flat brim, obvi). I’m blue da ba dee da ba di

I know how judgmental this sounds. Try to put yourself in my shoes. The men are wearing jerseys and watching the Rangers lose (oh, darn) and the women are dressed for the club, the Jersey Shore (the TV show, not the actual place), or like they just got out of prison and these are the only street clothes that they had left. It’s like they raided a lost and found box and gave up halfway through.

All I have to say is: Girls, come on. You’re at a suburban New Jersey bar that weirdly has a fishing/sports bar vibe and you’re trying so hard it hurts to look at you. Take it down a notch or try Manhattan next Thursday.

There are plenty of aggressive dressers in Boston (ok, no, not really) but I think New Jersey takes it to a whole new level. It’s like they all decided to live the theme of this blog: “fresh, hilarious, and slightly offensive.” Actually, it’s like they all wore these outfits specifically so that I would have something to write about tonight.


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