Humor, OkCupid, Online Dating

One-liners gone wrong

I love a good pickup line. Actually, I don’t even like a good pickup line, I like clever ones (or at least ones that make me giggle and not face-palm). However, more often than not, the pickup lines I encounter make me want to throw my phone across the room and declare my eternal single-ness from the top of the Empire State Building.

What does this even mean?

Exhibit A

Exhibit A: To give you some background, on my profile it says I’m good at being sarcastic and parallel parking. I’m not sure why he would but those two things together to create one very weird connection, but he did. I’m also not sure what he expected my response to be – “Yes, I usually use irony and wit when I’m talking to parking spots I’m trying to get into.”

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

Exhibit B: Did he miss the part where I said I was interested in men?! In all fairness, maybe he did. But either way, why does he think I care what his sister thinks of me? Realistically, I wouldn’t meet the family until at least a few months into dating and we’re just not there yet. At least take me to dinner first. Also, why would your sisters taste in women affect your taste in women? Are you turned on by the same type? I’m seeing multiple red flags here…

Exhibit C

Exhibit C

Exhibit C: I’m relatively certain neither of these things are happening. Ever. Also, put a space between your word and your wink 😉

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.
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Online Dating

Oneofuswillbangu

They are fucking back.

These five morons from my alma mater (they bring shame to our family) have created a joint Tinder account to presumably guarantee that they get laid. They are essentially saying that as long as you have a vagina, one of these respectable young men will gladly service it. Because they don’t discriminate.

Usually I would cover their faces but nah. They’re asking for this. Not like women who are “asking for it” for wearing an article of clothing. These guys are legitimately posting on Tinder that they are asking for it. From girls with “daddy issues” and “fat asses” and “big boobs. And small boobs.”

The most interesting part of this to me is not that these guys are all looking for sex, it’s the fact that they decided that a joint Tinder account would get them more pussy than their own would. (Soooo, you’re bringing the wingman to Tinder, interesting.)

To be totally honest, I actually know one or two of these clowns and any self-respecting female would absolutely not want to go near their nether regions. I’m not saying this because I’m bitter or something – I’m saying this because ew.

Part of me wanted to swipe right just to find out how their whole process works. Do they all swipe? Does one guy swipe on behalf of all five? Do they decide which girl gets matched up with which guy or do they allow the girl to choose her own fate? WHY DON’T THEY HAVE THEIR OWN TINDER ACCOUNTS?!

If anyone can offer up an opinion I am very confused and would love some insight. Ladies? Men? Bueller?

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, Online Dating

Even Batman takes shits?

Just to prove to you that this has happened more than once…

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 8.52.54 AM

Ugh. 

If you’re confused about what I’m talking about… See this post for reference. Hint: This NEVER WORKS.

Obviously this did not pass my strict filters. I had to search in the depths of my Filtered Messages for this gem. Only so I could immediately delete it and open up space for more creepy messages. Ain’t nobody got time to pay for A-List.

 

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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