Comedy

Why #tbt should stop being a thing

At first it’s funny and even cute, but then you realize just how wrong it is. Baby photos should be saved for when your boyfriend/girlfriend meets your parents for the first time so that they can embarrass you.

Wednesdays become more dreaded than usual. Because hump day doesn’t suck enough as it is, right?

Image

And then Thursday morning comes. You check your social media feeds while you avoid getting out of bed. This is what you experience…

tbt3

Instead of hilarious high school photos, everyone somehow acquires all of their parent’s baby albums and uploads pictures of themselves in diapers or with ice cream covering their face.

tbt2

For some reason, parents take pictures of everything. That’s unavoidable. But posting your ugly baby photos to the Internet? That’s avoidable.

tbt5

By the end of the day, you’re sick of seeing your friends as babies in the bath tub and you’re so desperate to see a selfie that you break the #tbt trend and post an ACTUAL photo.

tbt

 

xx

Always,

Allie

Advertisements
Standard
Comedy, Opinion

All college students are secretly Buster Bluth

(as told by BuzzFeed)

BuzzFeed posted a hilarious article (and I use this term lightly) to show why you may be Buster Bluth saying, “Buster Bluth from Arrested Development is just a large man-child. And really, aren’t we all just giant children?” Well, no. My parents would not necessarily identify with any of these traits, but I know I certainly can. In my opinion, almost all college students have a little bit of Buster in them. Here’s why…

1. You won’t do anything unless food is involved:You won't do anything unless food is involved:

I don’t know about you, but if a friend asks me to do something for them, I generally expect that after making that request, there will be payment in the form of food or wine…

2. You re-enact your favorite movies:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Wait but everyone does this. Literally who hasn’t re-enacted Step Brothers at some point?

3. You say inappropriate things:You say inappropriate things:

I usually say inappropriate things. But this manifests in a college locale. Lets be real, no female would say half the inapprop things they say about their hookups if it weren’t for the anonymous app LuLu.

4. This is what you look like when you yawn:This is what you look like when you yawn:

And 8am classes generally have many yawn-ers. Believe me, I know.

5. So, you often schedule things around your daily naps:

So, you often schedule things around your daily naps:

EVERY single college student has a nap schedule. I have actually heard people say that they can’t attend a group meeting because 3 p.m. is nap time.

6. You appreciate kindness:You appreciate kindness:

We all appreciate a little kindness now and then. But when that kindness comes in the form of an A instead of the B- you deserved, that kindness moves students to believe that their professors are not actually the spawn of Satan.

7. You’re always really nice to other people:You're always really nice to other people:

Ok this is definitely not me. But generally when there is peer reviewing going on, everyone is sickeningly nice. I know that I probably have a few run on sentences in this paper that I wrote three hours before it was due, but you don’t have to pretend that I don’t. Actually, I’m guilty of being overly nice in peer review situations as well. Damn it.

8. Unless, they undermine your “talents”:Unless, they undermine your "talents":

If someone tells me I have a run on sentence you know that I’m tearing their shit paper apart next week…

9. Fighting isn’t one of your strong suits:Fighting isn't one of your strong suits:

Especially in roommate arguments.

10. Unless, you use a puppet:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Ok maybe this is where shit gets weird.

11. This is often what happens when you go outside:

This is often what happens when you go outside:

Accurate. Except when there are topless biddies tanning on the quad or on the roof deck.

12. You are a defender of chickens:You are a defender of chickens:

Suddenly all college students LOVE to create a big shit on Facebook every time something mildly political happens. But I guess Northeastern is a huge defender of chickens since students were so avidly against putting a Chick fil A on campus.

13. This is what you do when your family gets on your nerves:

This is what you do when your family gets on your nerves:

14. Sometimes you say things you didn’t really mean to say:

Sometimes you say things you didn't really mean to say:

Something along the lines of, “That professor sucks” right in front of another professor. Yeah, that happened this week.

15. Your life motto is to be “neither seen nor heard”:

37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

But usually only if you sit in the back of the classroom and the professor doesn’t take attendance and participation doesn’t count.

16. You’ll do anything to make your mom proud:You'll do anything to make your mom proud:

College undergrad: “MOM, I”M GRADUATING MAGNA CUM LAUDE!”
Mom: “What does that even mean?”

17. Not a lot of people appreciate your humor:Not a lot of people appreciate your humor:

18. You’re not as independent as you wish to be:

You're not as independent as you wish to be:

In one of my classes, Interpersonal Communication (yes, this is a class), we had to talk about all of the people we count on in different situations. I realized my inner circle includes about 5 people. And they do everything for me. Everything. When there is a loud party keeping me awake at night, my boyfriend has to call the cops because I’m too chicken. He doesn’t even live in this city.

19. You have very low standards when it comes to parties:

You have very low standards when it comes to parties:

Natty Ice is always acceptable. Especially in keg form.

20. Your meals consist largely of junk food:Your meals consist largely of junk food:

Hello, Ramen.

21. You’re really sensitive and other people just can’t handle it:You're really sensitive and other people just can't handle it:

Especially when you can create a totally new bad ass persona in college. You don’t have to be the crying weenie you were in high school. But then when your first real college boyfriend breaks up with you that entire persona crumbles.

22. You’re really good at judging people:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Have you met any sorority girl ever?

23. You think you’re really smart:You think you're really smart:

You know that person who constantly speaks in class, raises their hand when there’s only three minutes left, and overdoes it any time there is a group project. Yeah.

24. Despite what others may think:Despite what others may think:

Even though everyone thinks Comm isn’t hard, people who are Comm majors can still be smart. Same with Psychology. And English. And all those other majors that no one thinks are real. Just because the major isn’t “hard” doesn’t mean these people aren’t smart. They just didn’t want to be a slave in a law firm or a number crunching monkey.

25. You’re a kid at heart:You're a kid at heart:

Because all college students today still identify with popular 90’s TV shows. And maybe we still watch them…

26. You have a large imagination:

37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth
This applies to apartment/dorm decorating. When someone says they’re “decorating” their dorm, they really mean that they’re putting up tacky mass-produced posters and CVS prints of their high school friends. This is not decorating. This is a sad attempt at making it feel less shitty while keeping the chances of getting your security deposit back high.

27. You’ve mastered the art of seduction:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Frat party style.

28. This is what your seducing often looks like:

This is what your seducing often looks like:

This is how most fraternity men think they can attract the ladies. Or by bringing them a solo cup of cheap beer. Both of these tactics generally work.

29. And sometimes you’ll even go all out:And sometimes you'll even go all out:

When a boy finally asks you out on a “real date” to the Cheesecake Factory!

30. Your middle name could be “socially awkward”:

37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

My middle name could still be “socially awkward.”

31. Large animals at close distances frighten you:

 37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Once I saw two squirrels having sex against a tree in Cambridge. I’ve never looked at a squirrel the same.

32. You have a different way of looking at the world:

You have a different way of looking at the world:

Thanks to your Liberal Arts education! *wink*

33. You’re a bad-ass:You're a bad-ass:

Yeahhhh…you didn’t even try to get that A in Accounting but somehow you managed to do it “without studying or doing any homework.” OK.

34. People often question your actions:People often question your actions:

So, wait, why did you let that guy lick tequila off your stomach?

35. This is how people try to explain your behavior:

This is how people try to explain your behavior:

Most college behavior is explained by saying, “I was probably roofied.” Or is that just me?

36. But, you recognize the importance of staying true to yourself:But, you recognize the importance of staying true to yourself:

“I can’t go to a Red Sox game, I’m from New Yawk”

37. Too bad you think you’re a monster:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Especially after the freshman 15 gets the best of you…

Now please try to tell me that you are not also a little bit Buster. I know I am. Also, I’m at work right now just trying to look busy.

xx

Always,

Allie

Standard
Comedy

Spoon thief

ImageThere is a spoon thief in my office. There is a limited amount of spoons. Here is an open message to said spoon thief:

I don’t know who you are. I know what you want: my spoons. If you are looking for spoons, I can tell you that our office only has a few. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my spoons go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

So, there, spoon thief. It’s on you now. If you come back and try to steal the limited supply, I will simply keep them all in my desk; therefore, hoarding them from you.

Seriously, though. You don’t just walk into someone’s office supply closet and go taking shit.

xx

Always,

Allie

Standard
Comedy

Reasons I enjoy sharing a wall with a dumb lax bro

We all know lax bros are…well…lax bros. They do things that make all of us scratch our heads a little.

Here are a few things I’m confused about:

  • WHO are you on the phone with?
  • WHY is she ok with this conversation?
  • HOW is someone this slutty?

First of all, I must tell you that I am drunk on wine and am generally OK with telling people exactly how I feel right now.

Violated.

I wish there were an HR department I could call.

Let me tell you a few things I just had to endure listening to while innocently searching for a RomCom on Netflix:

  • “Why don’t you just sit on my face?”
  • “I’ll supply all the liquor”
  • “Drunken dance off”
  • “Let’s make out”
  • “You look soooooo good in that shirt”
  • “Ohh yeah look at that girl. You look really good in that Facebook picture”
  • “Ya call me back so I can hear that voice”

Can someone just kill me? Or better yet – just inject dumb into my brain. Oh wait, too late.

Someone please help the lax bros of the world. Hand them a book. Don’t have sex with them. And for fuck’s sake, please don’t reproduce.

Standard