Humor

Some recent Google Searches

I’ve noticed lately that I think I abuse Google Search. I search things that a person really should know or things that a person really doesn’t need to know. These are all within the last week or so. Judge me if you must, but I guess I deserve it after my last post.

Here are some especially troubling Google searches of mine of late:

  • How do i look up my recent google searches
  • The act of making a dead animal suitable for decoration
  • Merrimack mascot
  • Synonyms for float
  • Nashville neighborhoods map
  • Bhop (This is the pizza place closest to my apartment. Why did I Google Search it at 8pm on a Wednesday? Who knows.)
  • Cute usernames for the name Allie
  • Apps similar to tinder
  • Are carrots ok for dogs
  • Ginger exchange boston (I just realized this sounds like a foreign exchange program for red headed people but it’s actually an Asian fusion restaurant near my apartment)
  • Gluten
  • Daffodil bulbs
  • Number sequence solver
  • What is a CV?
  • How big are grad caps?
  • How to check for swollen glands
  • Bikram vs vinyasa yoga
  • Why do we call it olive green if some olives are black
  • That Van Gogh painting with the swirly sky and bush
  • Egg salad recipe
  • Is UPS open on Sunday?
  • Can you use regular sunscreen in a tanning bed?
  • Can you tell if someone blocks you on tinder?
  • Chanel West Coast (Am I the only person that watches Rob Dyrdek’s Ridiculousness that was wondering this too?)

In case you were wondering, this is my favorite Chanel West Coast song:

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Humor, Offensive humor

Thirsty Thursday: Jersey style

I absolutely love going out on Thursdays. It’s like going out on a Friday or Saturday but not having to try as hard. Except when you’re in New Jersey, apparently.

For reference, here’s what I wore: A cute, simple white tank with a gold zipper from Express, dark wash Express jeans, Jack Rogers, stud earrings, MK watch, navy blue Fossil wristlet. That’s it.

Now I’m going to describe some of the most memorable outfits I saw tonight. I’m not even exaggerating

  1. Midriff-bearing tight tee, motorcycle jacket, maroon jeans, metallic strappy stilettos, Gucci hat. I have a few comments on this outfit. If it’s warm enough to wear a tee that shows half your stomach, maybe you don’t need a leather jacket? Or if you do, it’s probably not warm enough to be wearing a tiny tee. Do people still wear colored jeans? IT’S THURSDAY – the strappy stilettos are so unnecessary in a place playing the Stanley Cup Playoffs and decorated with taxidermy fish. Also, the Gucci hat was on backwards. Jussayin.
  2. Neon yellow/green tee shirt that was seemingly purposely cut up and tied back together, lace bralet (I know because it was showing in the back through the tied up portion of the shirt), ill fitting jeans, white Chuck Taylor’s. Do I even need to comment? If you’re still purchasing clothing that was purposely ruined and put back together you’re probably not old enough to be in an establishment serving alcohol.
  3. I saw parachute pants. Enough said.
  4. A girl with half of her hair dyed pink. Not like a streak for breast cancer or something. Half of her hair.
  5. A MAN wearing blue and black Adidas sneakers (high top, obvi), royal blue and white Adidas breakaway pants, A navy blue and gray camo shirt, and an American flag hat (flat brim, obvi). I’m blue da ba dee da ba di

I know how judgmental this sounds. Try to put yourself in my shoes. The men are wearing jerseys and watching the Rangers lose (oh, darn) and the women are dressed for the club, the Jersey Shore (the TV show, not the actual place), or like they just got out of prison and these are the only street clothes that they had left. It’s like they raided a lost and found box and gave up halfway through.

All I have to say is: Girls, come on. You’re at a suburban New Jersey bar that weirdly has a fishing/sports bar vibe and you’re trying so hard it hurts to look at you. Take it down a notch or try Manhattan next Thursday.

There are plenty of aggressive dressers in Boston (ok, no, not really) but I think New Jersey takes it to a whole new level. It’s like they all decided to live the theme of this blog: “fresh, hilarious, and slightly offensive.” Actually, it’s like they all wore these outfits specifically so that I would have something to write about tonight.

THANKS, LADIES!!! YOU MA GIRLZ!!!

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Humor

The real problem with “online dating”

I’m not going to suggest that online dating is inherently bad. I know your cousins sister met this amazing man on Match.com that they ended up marrying and they, like, should totally be on the commercial. Good for them. Seriously.

I’m also not going to suggest that dating of yesteryear is superior to online dating. Dating, like laws and stuff, changes with time. It’s sort of an important part of evolution I guess.

The problem with online dating, as a 22 year old female living in a large city, is that it’s not actually online dating. To be totally clear, I’m totally fine with and into the whole “hookup culture” thing. That’s not really what I’m getting at.

What I’m getting at is that just because people don’t have your full name and phone number does not mean that you’re not talking to an actual person. The problem with online dating – actually, I’m going to call it online fishing – is that people grow massive balls and say things that they would never say to a person’s face. I know that’s sort of where we get the show Catfish from, but not everyone pretends to be a 18 year old cheerleader when they’re actually a 42 year old accountant. Even if 23-year-old James that is 6 miles away from me is actually a 23-year-old man named James that lives 6 miles away from me, it doesn’t mean that his opening line should be, “Can you handle my big dick?”

I’ve gotten some fantastic pickup lines in my 2 1/2 months on Tinder and 2 1/2 days on OkCupid and I fully plan to share them with you all. Yes, I’m sort of turning them both into a social experiment – sorry boys, your names will be omitted to protect the guilty. Maybe.

The other problem with online fishing is that it absolutely ruins jealous people. I have personally found my friends boyfriends/FWBs/”exclusive” partners/whatever on Tinder and promptly sent it to my group chat to laugh about.

For now, here’s one gem that I especially appreciated:

Full Disclosure: This is actually one of my very very good friends. I texted him a screenshot of his Tinder profile and said I swiped right. This was his response. Pure gold. Ladies, let me know if you want his number.

Full Disclosure: This is actually one of my very very good friends. I texted him a screenshot of his Tinder profile and said I swiped right. This was his response. Pure gold. Ladies, let me know if you want his number.

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Comedy

Reasons I enjoy sharing a wall with a dumb lax bro

We all know lax bros are…well…lax bros. They do things that make all of us scratch our heads a little.

Here are a few things I’m confused about:

  • WHO are you on the phone with?
  • WHY is she ok with this conversation?
  • HOW is someone this slutty?

First of all, I must tell you that I am drunk on wine and am generally OK with telling people exactly how I feel right now.

Violated.

I wish there were an HR department I could call.

Let me tell you a few things I just had to endure listening to while innocently searching for a RomCom on Netflix:

  • “Why don’t you just sit on my face?”
  • “I’ll supply all the liquor”
  • “Drunken dance off”
  • “Let’s make out”
  • “You look soooooo good in that shirt”
  • “Ohh yeah look at that girl. You look really good in that Facebook picture”
  • “Ya call me back so I can hear that voice”

Can someone just kill me? Or better yet – just inject dumb into my brain. Oh wait, too late.

Someone please help the lax bros of the world. Hand them a book. Don’t have sex with them. And for fuck’s sake, please don’t reproduce.

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Personal

The 10 people you see on the T

The Grocery Shopper

These are the people who have 30 bags of groceries annoyingly taking up more than one seat, or six feet of floor space, on the T. Some of them are even eating out of their Stop n Shop bags because they just can’t wait ’til they get home to eat that Pop Tart. Most of them will be going from Chinatown to Brigham Circle – but alas, sometimes even “normal” people like you and me are guilty of having excessive grocery bags take up valuable space on a crowded train. My favorite part is when only a thin plastic bag comes between the disgusting floor of the T and the apple that this person will soon bite into. Just think about it. Ew.

The Backpacker

This person is wearing a backpack. Not all of these people are evil – but most are. The ones that are evil are the ones that know they are wearing a backpack, but do not know that it takes up an extra foot of space. Nothing is worse than when you are sitting minding your own business and then get smacked in the face by some Backpacker’s stupid North Face backpack filled to the brim with what must be bricks.

The “Gym Rat”

This is in quotation marks because usually these people are women who are blatantly not on the way to or from the gym. They are decked out in Lululemon and get off the T at Park Street or Downtown Crossing, where they will obviously be shopping rather than pumping iron. They are absolutely judging you for not being as “in shape” as they are since they drink Skinnygirl Margaritas and follow the Paleo diet. These are also the women that wear yoga pants literally everywhere to keep up their image of fitness even though they haven’t seen the inside of a gym since they gave up on their New Year’s resolution four months ago.

The People with a Job

These people can sit still on the T. They don’t make anyone scared by yelling random shit out loud and they’re usually reading either a book, The Wall Street Journal or The Boston Globe. These are the people you should try your very hardest to sit next to.

The People without a Job

These people can usually not sit still on the T. They are generally homeless and some may even beg for money while riding public transit (which costs money to ride). People that can’t sit still for more than five minutes kind of scare me and make me generally nervous to be in their presence. There have been some interesting people I’ve seen on the T and the most ridiculous ones definitely fall in this category. I’ll give you a little taste:

  • Red Line – The dude that takes over the T car and blares music and dances & does flips while the car is in motion. Then he asks for money (shocker)
  • Green Line – The dude that clucks. He clucks. I’ve seen him on more than one occasion. I promise this is real.
  • Red/Green Line – The dude that says he “just got out of the hospital” even though he’s riding the T towards the hospital and begs everyone for money and telling everyone that’s why he needs money.
  • Every single person riding on the orange line is usually some form of crazy (unless there’s a B’s game soon – then it’s acceptable)
  • Almost everyone riding the Blue line

The iPod-ers

Those that listen to their iPods on 100% volume in a small space are generally assholes. I’m sorry but if I can hear your reggaeton from halfway across the train car, you’re probably going to be deaf in 10 years. Also – if you’re taking out your ear buds to ask what stop is next then you should probably, I don’t know, LISTEN to the announcer when they say it. The worst part about these offenders is that when you say to them “excuse me” when you’re trying to get out of the train, they can’t hear you. And even if they can, they always decide to ignore you.

The Metro Readers

These people are only reading the news because it was forced upon them by a Metro toting person in an MBTA station – or they found one sitting on a seat on the train. Usually they don’t keep their Metro – they’ll be that asshole to leave it on the train for someone else to slip on later. But sometimes there are just the occasional decent people out there that toss it in the recycling bin. Most older men and people who care about actual news tend to read actual newspapers that they pay for. But not all of us have that kind of disposable income…

The Greedy Seaters

There are two sides to this offensive T rider. One is the person who knows they are too fat to only take up one seat, and the other is the person who successfully fits into one seat but feels that their bag/purse/shit also needs a seat of its own. Why do people insist on doing this? If you’re too fat to only occupy one seat, you should probably walk to your destination. If you think your bags of shit are in need of their own place on the train, please know that everyone is silently judging you for being an asshole, because the place on the train for your shit is the floor.

The Sleepers

These people give zero fucks. They have nowhere important to be so if they fall asleep on the T and wake up at the wrong stop – it doesn’t even matter! The funniest part of the people who sleep on the train is when they snore…or drool. The worst part is when it’s the person next to you and they’re slowly drooping on to your shoulder.

The Parents

Probably the worst people you can possibly get stuck on a crowded train with. Some parents are fine and actually have adorable, well-behaved children. But the ones who have either been absent from their child’s baby-hood or generally don’t care to be considerate of others really piss everyone off. What is worse than a baby crying loudly in a small space that you cannot exit? Not even death. The best part is when the parents don’t even make any basic attempts to soothe the crying infant. Seriously. It happens. Parents out there – please be considerate of those of us who have had a long day and put a muzzle on your child.

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