Humor, OkCupid, Online Dating

One-liners gone wrong

I love a good pickup line. Actually, I don’t even like a good pickup line, I like clever ones (or at least ones that make me giggle and not face-palm). However, more often than not, the pickup lines I encounter make me want to throw my phone across the room and declare my eternal single-ness from the top of the Empire State Building.

What does this even mean?

Exhibit A

Exhibit A: To give you some background, on my profile it says I’m good at being sarcastic and parallel parking. I’m not sure why he would but those two things together to create one very weird connection, but he did. I’m also not sure what he expected my response to be – “Yes, I usually use irony and wit when I’m talking to parking spots I’m trying to get into.”

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

Exhibit B: Did he miss the part where I said I was interested in men?! In all fairness, maybe he did. But either way, why does he think I care what his sister thinks of me? Realistically, I wouldn’t meet the family until at least a few months into dating and we’re just not there yet. At least take me to dinner first. Also, why would your sisters taste in women affect your taste in women? Are you turned on by the same type? I’m seeing multiple red flags here…

Exhibit C

Exhibit C

Exhibit C: I’m relatively certain neither of these things are happening. Ever. Also, put a space between your word and your wink 😉

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.
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Humor, OkCupid

Connect Zero

My roommate’s boyfriend told me about this new thing people were doing on Tinder – starting Connect 4 games in order to get girls to actually respond. Scott is from Canada and was visiting for New Years and I was like, OK CANADA, whatever you say… No one does that shit.

And then it happened. Granted, it was like two months later, but a guy messaged me with a Connect 4 board on OkCupid.

I mean... it was a valiant effort

I mean… it was a valiant effort

I had previously ignored him which is why I’m confused as to why he would spend all that time carefully crafting this board, but I guess it’s a good try. It seems relatively harmless. Sure, I could have responded, but that literally takes SO much effort just to type out! And I mean I’m not online dating to play board games with strangers with weird/terrifying eyebrows…

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Food Love, Humor

Similar to the 20 reasons why Pizza is Better than Sex, my love letter to mac and cheese is an open admittance that I am addicted and it feels oh so good.

Dear Mac,

This has been a long time coming. You should have expected this.

You know how beautiful you are in your cheesy, pasta-y glory. You don’t need very many ingredients, but when you do bring friends to the party it’s truly a wonderful event. Even at your worst (in a cardboard cup with Velveeta cheese) you are still quite delicious.

I’m not sure who thought pasta and cheese would be a good combo, but I applaud them. Just kidding, of course I know your birth father. He’s one of our founding fathers (and apparently my Founding Father soul mate, according to Buzzfeed). The glorious Thomas Jefferson. You have such a fantastic father, Mac. I wish I were around during your younger years because I would have been instrumental in your upbringing.

I want you to know that you have been there for me through a lot. During my childhood, your Spongebob Squarepants and Scooby Doo shaped pasta ruled my world. During high school I ate you during many a sports banquet and team sleepover. College involved a lot of your instant and boxed variety (except those special occasions I baked you under a layer of breadcrumbs). Now, well, I’m just maintaining our relationship. I hope you’re cool with that.

I love you. That is all.

Yours truly,

Allie

mac

 

 

Like me here? You’ll love me even more on Twitter.

An Open Love Letter to Mac and Cheese

Aside
Comedy

Reasons I enjoy sharing a wall with a dumb lax bro

We all know lax bros are…well…lax bros. They do things that make all of us scratch our heads a little.

Here are a few things I’m confused about:

  • WHO are you on the phone with?
  • WHY is she ok with this conversation?
  • HOW is someone this slutty?

First of all, I must tell you that I am drunk on wine and am generally OK with telling people exactly how I feel right now.

Violated.

I wish there were an HR department I could call.

Let me tell you a few things I just had to endure listening to while innocently searching for a RomCom on Netflix:

  • “Why don’t you just sit on my face?”
  • “I’ll supply all the liquor”
  • “Drunken dance off”
  • “Let’s make out”
  • “You look soooooo good in that shirt”
  • “Ohh yeah look at that girl. You look really good in that Facebook picture”
  • “Ya call me back so I can hear that voice”

Can someone just kill me? Or better yet – just inject dumb into my brain. Oh wait, too late.

Someone please help the lax bros of the world. Hand them a book. Don’t have sex with them. And for fuck’s sake, please don’t reproduce.

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26/07/2012

We graduated today!! But we still have class tomorrow, which is weird. I guess that’s how they do shit here?

My diploma

During graduation, we obviously had to do the cheek kisses (or for those of you that are cultures: faire la bise, bisous or bisou) with our professors, which is something that I personally always stress out about. Which way do you go first? What if they go the same way as you? What if you unintentionally make out with the person on the other end of the kiss?

Thank God I had Chelsea to answer that question for me.

Chelsea had a very interesting experience during this. Not only did Connell and I go before her so she could watch which way was acceptable to lean first, but many other members of our class did as well. But for some reason, Seb flustered her and she almost made out with him. I’m pretty sure someone, somewhere has it on video. That could probably make a baller YouTube video.

For those of you still confused about this gesture, click here.

Au revoir (for now)

Lyon, Travel

Lyon: Faire la bise

Gallery

24/7/2012

Tonight we decided that we would finally go to the bar that is named after our home city: Boston Bar. After Remy and Bitte told us that it was their favorite, we had to give it a try.

It did not live up to expectations. We did get lots of French fries (wait, they don’t call them French fries here. They’re just frites) and margaritas and eventually, shots and drinks.

We were all just standing around when a French boy came up to me and started talking. I told him to bring his two friends over too, but for some reason no one in my group wanted to talk to them. I was basically sucked in. The boy asked me for my email address since Facebook is too “mainstream” for him.

Wait, what?

Au revoir (for now)

Lyon, Travel

Lyon: Boston Bar

Gallery
Lyon, Personal

Lyon: Snappy the Watch

22/7/2012

Ahhh Sundays. You know what that means. The farmer’s market again. I bought another beautiful and adorable watch. Chelsea bought another four. She now has a whole family of Snappy’s.

Family of Snappy’s

To make matters even worse, she made the original Snappy a Facebook and Twitter. If that wasn’t enough, she took pictures of her Snappy’s in various positions and in various situations. The obsession may have gone a little too far.

The view from Snappy’s apartment

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Lyon, Travel

Lyon: Lumiere

20/7/2012

Finally it’s Friday! Class pretty much dragged by. But this afternoon we went to the Musee des Lumieres. It was a cinema museum built out of a home that the Lumiere family lived in. The house itself was beautiful enough to marvel at, but we also got to see things such as the first TV, the first movie projector and where the first film ever was filmed.

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Can I just say that our tour guide was actually super adorable. He was so unsure if he could do the tour in English. So he was talking to us in French. But then he started talking to us in PERFECT English. I shit you not. Why is everyone but Americans bi- or tri-linguial?

I wonder if the character from Beauty and the Beast was named after them…

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Lyon, Personal

Lyon: @YaBoyConnell

19/7/2012

Surprise! We had a test today. Ugh. I hate how they just spring it on you like it’s no big deal. It’s a good thing my class is hilarious.

There are quite a few hilarious things that happen on the regular that I’m going to tell you about. One was especially great.

There are quite a few kids from Hong Kong in our class who speak fluent English (and Cantonese, Mandarin and French) who just love us. Especially Trinity and Jeff.

Today in class, Connell (@yaboyconnell) was just not speaking real sentences. First he started telling us (in French) about how “people are less responsible than girls about drinking.” He was clearly mixing up the words “gens” and “hommes.” Then he said to this girls Charlotte something about how, “that’s how they d things in Hong Kong,” and she immediately corrected him by announcing that she’s from Taiwan. Basically, it was not Connell’s day.

So to put the icing on the cake, Trinity just outright said (out loud, in English and in front of the whole class), “Connell you just can’t get anything right!”

These kids seriously don’t have a filter.

Au revoir (for now)

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