Online Dating

Oneofuswillbangu

They are fucking back.

These five morons from my alma mater (they bring shame to our family) have created a joint Tinder account to presumably guarantee that they get laid. They are essentially saying that as long as you have a vagina, one of these respectable young men will gladly service it. Because they don’t discriminate.

Usually I would cover their faces but nah. They’re asking for this. Not like women who are “asking for it” for wearing an article of clothing. These guys are legitimately posting on Tinder that they are asking for it. From girls with “daddy issues” and “fat asses” and “big boobs. And small boobs.”

The most interesting part of this to me is not that these guys are all looking for sex, it’s the fact that they decided that a joint Tinder account would get them more pussy than their own would. (Soooo, you’re bringing the wingman to Tinder, interesting.)

To be totally honest, I actually know one or two of these clowns and any self-respecting female would absolutely not want to go near their nether regions. I’m not saying this because I’m bitter or something – I’m saying this because ew.

Part of me wanted to swipe right just to find out how their whole process works. Do they all swipe? Does one guy swipe on behalf of all five? Do they decide which girl gets matched up with which guy or do they allow the girl to choose her own fate? WHY DON’T THEY HAVE THEIR OWN TINDER ACCOUNTS?!

If anyone can offer up an opinion I am very confused and would love some insight. Ladies? Men? Bueller?

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, Online Dating

Even Batman takes shits?

Just to prove to you that this has happened more than once…

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 8.52.54 AM

Ugh. 

If you’re confused about what I’m talking about… See this post for reference. Hint: This NEVER WORKS.

Obviously this did not pass my strict filters. I had to search in the depths of my Filtered Messages for this gem. Only so I could immediately delete it and open up space for more creepy messages. Ain’t nobody got time to pay for A-List.

 

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, OkCupid

Connect Zero

My roommate’s boyfriend told me about this new thing people were doing on Tinder – starting Connect 4 games in order to get girls to actually respond. Scott is from Canada and was visiting for New Years and I was like, OK CANADA, whatever you say… No one does that shit.

And then it happened. Granted, it was like two months later, but a guy messaged me with a Connect 4 board on OkCupid.

I mean... it was a valiant effort

I mean… it was a valiant effort

I had previously ignored him which is why I’m confused as to why he would spend all that time carefully crafting this board, but I guess it’s a good try. It seems relatively harmless. Sure, I could have responded, but that literally takes SO much effort just to type out! And I mean I’m not online dating to play board games with strangers with weird/terrifying eyebrows…

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, Media, OkCupid, Opinion

Does this ever work for you?

Questions for the male population taking part in online dating.

I sometimes receive messages and I openly wonder, “Has this ever worked for you in the past?”

There are some first messages that you just can’t ignore. Okay, usually I do ignore them. But in theory I want to ask if their weird pickup line has worked in the past, who it’s worked on, and what the end result was – I guess that’s the social scientist in me that is genuinely interested and curious about human interaction. I mean, that’s one of the reasons I have so many online dating profiles (aside from the obvious: being single).

Get it?! What's Updog?!?! HAHAHHAHAHA. not.

Get it?! What’s Updog?!?! HAHAHHAHAHA. not.

Like this winner. I believe this natural wordsmith must have really dug into the recesses of his brain to think of this one (or at least thought back to the third grade when this was a thing). Sure, I could have played along. But honestly, if I’m not instantly attracted to you – or at least determine that I wouldn’t blow you off if you approached me in a bar – I’m not going to respond. It’s not because I’m rude, either. I have a right to respond to whomever I want. So to all you guys that say I “owe” them at least some sort of response and that it’s “common courtesy”: I DON’T. AND FUCK OFF.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Slight rage about being bitched at for not responding to an ugly guy aside. This photo above shows why online dating is so fucking dumb. (Might as well rename it #OKStupid, amiright?) This guy starts out okay; he comes on a little strong, sure, but the words are nice so you can’t really hold it against him. And then you read the last sentence. It kind of hits you like a truck, honestly. I’m not some kind of communist that isn’t aware that this is a joke, but this isn’t Improv Asylum is it? This is supposed to be “dating.” Would you say this to someone standing on line at Starbucks? Would you say this to someone next to you at the bar? Would you say this to the owner of the cute dog you’re walking past on the street? I THINK NOT. (Is that how people used to meet in the olden days? I really don’t know. It was just a guess.)

The moral of the story is: If it wouldn’t work in person, don’t say it online.

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

Always,

Allie

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Humor, Media, OkCupid, Social Media

Upload a photo, damnit

Here’s one more thing I don’t understand about online dating: People who don’t upload photos of themselves.

There is a reason these people do not have photos and it is absolutely not casual. The most common excuse I’ve received is: “I’m new to this site and haven’t had the chance to upload photos yet” or “I am a (insert job title here) and I don’t want my clients/ex-gf/coworkers to see me on here.”

“I’m new to this site and haven’t uploaded photos yet” 

Here’s the issue with that. You have time to search for people and message them, but you don’t have the time to upload a photo? Really? For some reason you’re making me think that you’re actually really gross looking and have no photos of yourself or you’re a 15 year old kid looking to cyber. Either way, no thanks.

“I am a parter at a law firm and I don’t want my coworkers to see me on here.”

Okay. Let me just clear something up. You’re online dating not taking part in beastiality. Pretty much every single person (and even maybe some in relationships) has an online dating app on their phone. It is not the 90’s and it is no longer taboo to meet people online.

image1 (2)

Double trouble

Some guys are even crazy enough to use both excuses in one message – and have the balls to upload a picture anyway. Just to clarify – what were you planning to say on here that would scare away your clients? God forbid you tell the Internet that you enjoy long walks on the beach and candlelight dinners. I’m sure that would really implicate you in a court of law. Speaking of which, would things that your clients have on their online dating profile be held against them to a prosecution?

Word of advice: Upload a photo if you want girls to respond to you. Don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t want the general public to know about you (because some girls you message might just blog about it later…)

Always,

Allie

 

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Food Love, Humor

Similar to the 20 reasons why Pizza is Better than Sex, my love letter to mac and cheese is an open admittance that I am addicted and it feels oh so good.

Dear Mac,

This has been a long time coming. You should have expected this.

You know how beautiful you are in your cheesy, pasta-y glory. You don’t need very many ingredients, but when you do bring friends to the party it’s truly a wonderful event. Even at your worst (in a cardboard cup with Velveeta cheese) you are still quite delicious.

I’m not sure who thought pasta and cheese would be a good combo, but I applaud them. Just kidding, of course I know your birth father. He’s one of our founding fathers (and apparently my Founding Father soul mate, according to Buzzfeed). The glorious Thomas Jefferson. You have such a fantastic father, Mac. I wish I were around during your younger years because I would have been instrumental in your upbringing.

I want you to know that you have been there for me through a lot. During my childhood, your Spongebob Squarepants and Scooby Doo shaped pasta ruled my world. During high school I ate you during many a sports banquet and team sleepover. College involved a lot of your instant and boxed variety (except those special occasions I baked you under a layer of breadcrumbs). Now, well, I’m just maintaining our relationship. I hope you’re cool with that.

I love you. That is all.

Yours truly,

Allie

mac

 

 

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An Open Love Letter to Mac and Cheese

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Humor

Some recent Google Searches

I’ve noticed lately that I think I abuse Google Search. I search things that a person really should know or things that a person really doesn’t need to know. These are all within the last week or so. Judge me if you must, but I guess I deserve it after my last post.

Here are some especially troubling Google searches of mine of late:

  • How do i look up my recent google searches
  • The act of making a dead animal suitable for decoration
  • Merrimack mascot
  • Synonyms for float
  • Nashville neighborhoods map
  • Bhop (This is the pizza place closest to my apartment. Why did I Google Search it at 8pm on a Wednesday? Who knows.)
  • Cute usernames for the name Allie
  • Apps similar to tinder
  • Are carrots ok for dogs
  • Ginger exchange boston (I just realized this sounds like a foreign exchange program for red headed people but it’s actually an Asian fusion restaurant near my apartment)
  • Gluten
  • Daffodil bulbs
  • Number sequence solver
  • What is a CV?
  • How big are grad caps?
  • How to check for swollen glands
  • Bikram vs vinyasa yoga
  • Why do we call it olive green if some olives are black
  • That Van Gogh painting with the swirly sky and bush
  • Egg salad recipe
  • Is UPS open on Sunday?
  • Can you use regular sunscreen in a tanning bed?
  • Can you tell if someone blocks you on tinder?
  • Chanel West Coast (Am I the only person that watches Rob Dyrdek’s Ridiculousness that was wondering this too?)

In case you were wondering, this is my favorite Chanel West Coast song:

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Humor, Offensive humor

Thirsty Thursday: Jersey style

I absolutely love going out on Thursdays. It’s like going out on a Friday or Saturday but not having to try as hard. Except when you’re in New Jersey, apparently.

For reference, here’s what I wore: A cute, simple white tank with a gold zipper from Express, dark wash Express jeans, Jack Rogers, stud earrings, MK watch, navy blue Fossil wristlet. That’s it.

Now I’m going to describe some of the most memorable outfits I saw tonight. I’m not even exaggerating

  1. Midriff-bearing tight tee, motorcycle jacket, maroon jeans, metallic strappy stilettos, Gucci hat. I have a few comments on this outfit. If it’s warm enough to wear a tee that shows half your stomach, maybe you don’t need a leather jacket? Or if you do, it’s probably not warm enough to be wearing a tiny tee. Do people still wear colored jeans? IT’S THURSDAY – the strappy stilettos are so unnecessary in a place playing the Stanley Cup Playoffs and decorated with taxidermy fish. Also, the Gucci hat was on backwards. Jussayin.
  2. Neon yellow/green tee shirt that was seemingly purposely cut up and tied back together, lace bralet (I know because it was showing in the back through the tied up portion of the shirt), ill fitting jeans, white Chuck Taylor’s. Do I even need to comment? If you’re still purchasing clothing that was purposely ruined and put back together you’re probably not old enough to be in an establishment serving alcohol.
  3. I saw parachute pants. Enough said.
  4. A girl with half of her hair dyed pink. Not like a streak for breast cancer or something. Half of her hair.
  5. A MAN wearing blue and black Adidas sneakers (high top, obvi), royal blue and white Adidas breakaway pants, A navy blue and gray camo shirt, and an American flag hat (flat brim, obvi). I’m blue da ba dee da ba di

I know how judgmental this sounds. Try to put yourself in my shoes. The men are wearing jerseys and watching the Rangers lose (oh, darn) and the women are dressed for the club, the Jersey Shore (the TV show, not the actual place), or like they just got out of prison and these are the only street clothes that they had left. It’s like they raided a lost and found box and gave up halfway through.

All I have to say is: Girls, come on. You’re at a suburban New Jersey bar that weirdly has a fishing/sports bar vibe and you’re trying so hard it hurts to look at you. Take it down a notch or try Manhattan next Thursday.

There are plenty of aggressive dressers in Boston (ok, no, not really) but I think New Jersey takes it to a whole new level. It’s like they all decided to live the theme of this blog: “fresh, hilarious, and slightly offensive.” Actually, it’s like they all wore these outfits specifically so that I would have something to write about tonight.

THANKS, LADIES!!! YOU MA GIRLZ!!!

Like me here? You’ll love me even more on Twitter.

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Humor

The real problem with “online dating”

I’m not going to suggest that online dating is inherently bad. I know your cousins sister met this amazing man on Match.com that they ended up marrying and they, like, should totally be on the commercial. Good for them. Seriously.

I’m also not going to suggest that dating of yesteryear is superior to online dating. Dating, like laws and stuff, changes with time. It’s sort of an important part of evolution I guess.

The problem with online dating, as a 22 year old female living in a large city, is that it’s not actually online dating. To be totally clear, I’m totally fine with and into the whole “hookup culture” thing. That’s not really what I’m getting at.

What I’m getting at is that just because people don’t have your full name and phone number does not mean that you’re not talking to an actual person. The problem with online dating – actually, I’m going to call it online fishing – is that people grow massive balls and say things that they would never say to a person’s face. I know that’s sort of where we get the show Catfish from, but not everyone pretends to be a 18 year old cheerleader when they’re actually a 42 year old accountant. Even if 23-year-old James that is 6 miles away from me is actually a 23-year-old man named James that lives 6 miles away from me, it doesn’t mean that his opening line should be, “Can you handle my big dick?”

I’ve gotten some fantastic pickup lines in my 2 1/2 months on Tinder and 2 1/2 days on OkCupid and I fully plan to share them with you all. Yes, I’m sort of turning them both into a social experiment – sorry boys, your names will be omitted to protect the guilty. Maybe.

The other problem with online fishing is that it absolutely ruins jealous people. I have personally found my friends boyfriends/FWBs/”exclusive” partners/whatever on Tinder and promptly sent it to my group chat to laugh about.

For now, here’s one gem that I especially appreciated:

Full Disclosure: This is actually one of my very very good friends. I texted him a screenshot of his Tinder profile and said I swiped right. This was his response. Pure gold. Ladies, let me know if you want his number.

Full Disclosure: This is actually one of my very very good friends. I texted him a screenshot of his Tinder profile and said I swiped right. This was his response. Pure gold. Ladies, let me know if you want his number.

Like me here? You’ll love me even more on Twitter.

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