Personal

Timehop: My year in a short review

Oh, Timehop. A great way to look back and see all the dumb things you said on Facebook before Messenger was a thing and before you could comment on people’s statuses and wall posts. But it’s also an app that can really show you just how much (or, I guess, how little) you’re doing with your life. I’m not going to bore you with a long, drawn out version of my life story, but I feel like I need to give myself a little credit today. I deserve it. It’s been a crazy year.

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One year ago I was starting my first “big girl” job at Entertainment Cruises Boston and now one short (read: long) year later, I am at MediaCom NYC. The view is different, the job is different, the people are different. I don’t want to burn any bridges by saying which one is better, but I can say that I know a hell of a lot more now then I did then.

Life happened.

If I weren’t laid off seven months ago from a job I thought I would hold for the rest of my life I would never ever be where I am today. I was completely content beginning my career as an event planner and basically not using my fancy degree at all. I wasn’t learning anything new and I certainly wasn’t in any sort of position to further my career in the future.

Life went on.

I made things work. Like everyone who gets laid off, bills don’t stop and it’s not like the government is here to help me continue to live my comfortable lifestyle in a Cambridge apartment going out to dinner twice a week and drinking in excess. So I got a part-time job. It was fun, it paid the bills (dismally), and it gave me time to find something more permanent. Sadly, my “more permanent” version of a job was still pretty dismal. Not in the paycheck, but in the learning opportunities, growth potential, and general industry. It was a temp job, it got me an actual real paycheck and bought me a few months to look for something “real.” Whatever that means…

Life happens.

I applied to about 500 jobs on LinkedIn. I got a few interviews but most were just duds. I then got two offers after a pretty extensive interview process. One was in Florida and one was in New York – one was far far away from anything I know and one was close to where I grew up. One paid a little more with a lower cost of living while the other paid a little less with a higher cost of living. Guess which one I chose. Obviously.

From the Boston Harbor to Midtown Manhattan, I can safely say I’ve made some big changes this year. I guess the moral of my story is: Don’t let one setback become more than what it is. It’s a setback, yes, but it definitely does not have to determine your whole future. Keep putting yourself out there until you find your happy place – whether that be a NYC roof deck or a boat cruising the bay or a sandy, south Florida beach.

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

 

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Humor, OkCupid, Online Dating

One-liners gone wrong

I love a good pickup line. Actually, I don’t even like a good pickup line, I like clever ones (or at least ones that make me giggle and not face-palm). However, more often than not, the pickup lines I encounter make me want to throw my phone across the room and declare my eternal single-ness from the top of the Empire State Building.

What does this even mean?

Exhibit A

Exhibit A: To give you some background, on my profile it says I’m good at being sarcastic and parallel parking. I’m not sure why he would but those two things together to create one very weird connection, but he did. I’m also not sure what he expected my response to be – “Yes, I usually use irony and wit when I’m talking to parking spots I’m trying to get into.”

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

Exhibit B: Did he miss the part where I said I was interested in men?! In all fairness, maybe he did. But either way, why does he think I care what his sister thinks of me? Realistically, I wouldn’t meet the family until at least a few months into dating and we’re just not there yet. At least take me to dinner first. Also, why would your sisters taste in women affect your taste in women? Are you turned on by the same type? I’m seeing multiple red flags here…

Exhibit C

Exhibit C

Exhibit C: I’m relatively certain neither of these things are happening. Ever. Also, put a space between your word and your wink 😉

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.
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Humor

My first date in NYC

Guys. I went on a real, live date over the weekend. And it wasn’t terrible. 

Whenever a semi normal looking/sounding guy on OkCupid messages me I’m always a little skeptical. Not necessarily about why he’s single or why he’s on that app, but more so about when things are going to take a turn for the worse. Is that a terrible outlook? Maybe. But I have my reasons – most of which you’ve read about.

Either way, this guy opened with a very original opener asking what I do for work. He totally called himself out on being unoriginal so I was on board. Anyone who is down to poke fun at themselves is okay in my book.

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Online Dating

Oneofuswillbangu

They are fucking back.

These five morons from my alma mater (they bring shame to our family) have created a joint Tinder account to presumably guarantee that they get laid. They are essentially saying that as long as you have a vagina, one of these respectable young men will gladly service it. Because they don’t discriminate.

Usually I would cover their faces but nah. They’re asking for this. Not like women who are “asking for it” for wearing an article of clothing. These guys are legitimately posting on Tinder that they are asking for it. From girls with “daddy issues” and “fat asses” and “big boobs. And small boobs.”

The most interesting part of this to me is not that these guys are all looking for sex, it’s the fact that they decided that a joint Tinder account would get them more pussy than their own would. (Soooo, you’re bringing the wingman to Tinder, interesting.)

To be totally honest, I actually know one or two of these clowns and any self-respecting female would absolutely not want to go near their nether regions. I’m not saying this because I’m bitter or something – I’m saying this because ew.

Part of me wanted to swipe right just to find out how their whole process works. Do they all swipe? Does one guy swipe on behalf of all five? Do they decide which girl gets matched up with which guy or do they allow the girl to choose her own fate? WHY DON’T THEY HAVE THEIR OWN TINDER ACCOUNTS?!

If anyone can offer up an opinion I am very confused and would love some insight. Ladies? Men? Bueller?

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, Online Dating

Even Batman takes shits?

Just to prove to you that this has happened more than once…

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 8.52.54 AM

Ugh. 

If you’re confused about what I’m talking about… See this post for reference. Hint: This NEVER WORKS.

Obviously this did not pass my strict filters. I had to search in the depths of my Filtered Messages for this gem. Only so I could immediately delete it and open up space for more creepy messages. Ain’t nobody got time to pay for A-List.

 

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, Media, OkCupid, Opinion

Does this ever work for you?

Questions for the male population taking part in online dating.

I sometimes receive messages and I openly wonder, “Has this ever worked for you in the past?”

There are some first messages that you just can’t ignore. Okay, usually I do ignore them. But in theory I want to ask if their weird pickup line has worked in the past, who it’s worked on, and what the end result was – I guess that’s the social scientist in me that is genuinely interested and curious about human interaction. I mean, that’s one of the reasons I have so many online dating profiles (aside from the obvious: being single).

Get it?! What's Updog?!?! HAHAHHAHAHA. not.

Get it?! What’s Updog?!?! HAHAHHAHAHA. not.

Like this winner. I believe this natural wordsmith must have really dug into the recesses of his brain to think of this one (or at least thought back to the third grade when this was a thing). Sure, I could have played along. But honestly, if I’m not instantly attracted to you – or at least determine that I wouldn’t blow you off if you approached me in a bar – I’m not going to respond. It’s not because I’m rude, either. I have a right to respond to whomever I want. So to all you guys that say I “owe” them at least some sort of response and that it’s “common courtesy”: I DON’T. AND FUCK OFF.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Slight rage about being bitched at for not responding to an ugly guy aside. This photo above shows why online dating is so fucking dumb. (Might as well rename it #OKStupid, amiright?) This guy starts out okay; he comes on a little strong, sure, but the words are nice so you can’t really hold it against him. And then you read the last sentence. It kind of hits you like a truck, honestly. I’m not some kind of communist that isn’t aware that this is a joke, but this isn’t Improv Asylum is it? This is supposed to be “dating.” Would you say this to someone standing on line at Starbucks? Would you say this to someone next to you at the bar? Would you say this to the owner of the cute dog you’re walking past on the street? I THINK NOT. (Is that how people used to meet in the olden days? I really don’t know. It was just a guess.)

The moral of the story is: If it wouldn’t work in person, don’t say it online.

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

Always,

Allie

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Comedy, Opinion

All college students are secretly Buster Bluth

(as told by BuzzFeed)

BuzzFeed posted a hilarious article (and I use this term lightly) to show why you may be Buster Bluth saying, “Buster Bluth from Arrested Development is just a large man-child. And really, aren’t we all just giant children?” Well, no. My parents would not necessarily identify with any of these traits, but I know I certainly can. In my opinion, almost all college students have a little bit of Buster in them. Here’s why…

1. You won’t do anything unless food is involved:You won't do anything unless food is involved:

I don’t know about you, but if a friend asks me to do something for them, I generally expect that after making that request, there will be payment in the form of food or wine…

2. You re-enact your favorite movies:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Wait but everyone does this. Literally who hasn’t re-enacted Step Brothers at some point?

3. You say inappropriate things:You say inappropriate things:

I usually say inappropriate things. But this manifests in a college locale. Lets be real, no female would say half the inapprop things they say about their hookups if it weren’t for the anonymous app LuLu.

4. This is what you look like when you yawn:This is what you look like when you yawn:

And 8am classes generally have many yawn-ers. Believe me, I know.

5. So, you often schedule things around your daily naps:

So, you often schedule things around your daily naps:

EVERY single college student has a nap schedule. I have actually heard people say that they can’t attend a group meeting because 3 p.m. is nap time.

6. You appreciate kindness:You appreciate kindness:

We all appreciate a little kindness now and then. But when that kindness comes in the form of an A instead of the B- you deserved, that kindness moves students to believe that their professors are not actually the spawn of Satan.

7. You’re always really nice to other people:You're always really nice to other people:

Ok this is definitely not me. But generally when there is peer reviewing going on, everyone is sickeningly nice. I know that I probably have a few run on sentences in this paper that I wrote three hours before it was due, but you don’t have to pretend that I don’t. Actually, I’m guilty of being overly nice in peer review situations as well. Damn it.

8. Unless, they undermine your “talents”:Unless, they undermine your "talents":

If someone tells me I have a run on sentence you know that I’m tearing their shit paper apart next week…

9. Fighting isn’t one of your strong suits:Fighting isn't one of your strong suits:

Especially in roommate arguments.

10. Unless, you use a puppet:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Ok maybe this is where shit gets weird.

11. This is often what happens when you go outside:

This is often what happens when you go outside:

Accurate. Except when there are topless biddies tanning on the quad or on the roof deck.

12. You are a defender of chickens:You are a defender of chickens:

Suddenly all college students LOVE to create a big shit on Facebook every time something mildly political happens. But I guess Northeastern is a huge defender of chickens since students were so avidly against putting a Chick fil A on campus.

13. This is what you do when your family gets on your nerves:

This is what you do when your family gets on your nerves:

14. Sometimes you say things you didn’t really mean to say:

Sometimes you say things you didn't really mean to say:

Something along the lines of, “That professor sucks” right in front of another professor. Yeah, that happened this week.

15. Your life motto is to be “neither seen nor heard”:

37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

But usually only if you sit in the back of the classroom and the professor doesn’t take attendance and participation doesn’t count.

16. You’ll do anything to make your mom proud:You'll do anything to make your mom proud:

College undergrad: “MOM, I”M GRADUATING MAGNA CUM LAUDE!”
Mom: “What does that even mean?”

17. Not a lot of people appreciate your humor:Not a lot of people appreciate your humor:

18. You’re not as independent as you wish to be:

You're not as independent as you wish to be:

In one of my classes, Interpersonal Communication (yes, this is a class), we had to talk about all of the people we count on in different situations. I realized my inner circle includes about 5 people. And they do everything for me. Everything. When there is a loud party keeping me awake at night, my boyfriend has to call the cops because I’m too chicken. He doesn’t even live in this city.

19. You have very low standards when it comes to parties:

You have very low standards when it comes to parties:

Natty Ice is always acceptable. Especially in keg form.

20. Your meals consist largely of junk food:Your meals consist largely of junk food:

Hello, Ramen.

21. You’re really sensitive and other people just can’t handle it:You're really sensitive and other people just can't handle it:

Especially when you can create a totally new bad ass persona in college. You don’t have to be the crying weenie you were in high school. But then when your first real college boyfriend breaks up with you that entire persona crumbles.

22. You’re really good at judging people:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Have you met any sorority girl ever?

23. You think you’re really smart:You think you're really smart:

You know that person who constantly speaks in class, raises their hand when there’s only three minutes left, and overdoes it any time there is a group project. Yeah.

24. Despite what others may think:Despite what others may think:

Even though everyone thinks Comm isn’t hard, people who are Comm majors can still be smart. Same with Psychology. And English. And all those other majors that no one thinks are real. Just because the major isn’t “hard” doesn’t mean these people aren’t smart. They just didn’t want to be a slave in a law firm or a number crunching monkey.

25. You’re a kid at heart:You're a kid at heart:

Because all college students today still identify with popular 90’s TV shows. And maybe we still watch them…

26. You have a large imagination:

37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth
This applies to apartment/dorm decorating. When someone says they’re “decorating” their dorm, they really mean that they’re putting up tacky mass-produced posters and CVS prints of their high school friends. This is not decorating. This is a sad attempt at making it feel less shitty while keeping the chances of getting your security deposit back high.

27. You’ve mastered the art of seduction:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Frat party style.

28. This is what your seducing often looks like:

This is what your seducing often looks like:

This is how most fraternity men think they can attract the ladies. Or by bringing them a solo cup of cheap beer. Both of these tactics generally work.

29. And sometimes you’ll even go all out:And sometimes you'll even go all out:

When a boy finally asks you out on a “real date” to the Cheesecake Factory!

30. Your middle name could be “socially awkward”:

37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

My middle name could still be “socially awkward.”

31. Large animals at close distances frighten you:

 37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Once I saw two squirrels having sex against a tree in Cambridge. I’ve never looked at a squirrel the same.

32. You have a different way of looking at the world:

You have a different way of looking at the world:

Thanks to your Liberal Arts education! *wink*

33. You’re a bad-ass:You're a bad-ass:

Yeahhhh…you didn’t even try to get that A in Accounting but somehow you managed to do it “without studying or doing any homework.” OK.

34. People often question your actions:People often question your actions:

So, wait, why did you let that guy lick tequila off your stomach?

35. This is how people try to explain your behavior:

This is how people try to explain your behavior:

Most college behavior is explained by saying, “I was probably roofied.” Or is that just me?

36. But, you recognize the importance of staying true to yourself:But, you recognize the importance of staying true to yourself:

“I can’t go to a Red Sox game, I’m from New Yawk”

37. Too bad you think you’re a monster:37 Signs You Might Be Buster Bluth

Especially after the freshman 15 gets the best of you…

Now please try to tell me that you are not also a little bit Buster. I know I am. Also, I’m at work right now just trying to look busy.

xx

Always,

Allie

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