Humor, OkCupid, Online Dating

One-liners gone wrong

I love a good pickup line. Actually, I don’t even like a good pickup line, I like clever ones (or at least ones that make me giggle and not face-palm). However, more often than not, the pickup lines I encounter make me want to throw my phone across the room and declare my eternal single-ness from the top of the Empire State Building.

What does this even mean?

Exhibit A

Exhibit A: To give you some background, on my profile it says I’m good at being sarcastic and parallel parking. I’m not sure why he would but those two things together to create one very weird connection, but he did. I’m also not sure what he expected my response to be – “Yes, I usually use irony and wit when I’m talking to parking spots I’m trying to get into.”

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

Exhibit B: Did he miss the part where I said I was interested in men?! In all fairness, maybe he did. But either way, why does he think I care what his sister thinks of me? Realistically, I wouldn’t meet the family until at least a few months into dating and we’re just not there yet. At least take me to dinner first. Also, why would your sisters taste in women affect your taste in women? Are you turned on by the same type? I’m seeing multiple red flags here…

Exhibit C

Exhibit C

Exhibit C: I’m relatively certain neither of these things are happening. Ever. Also, put a space between your word and your wink 😉

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.
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Food Love, Humor

Similar to the 20 reasons why Pizza is Better than Sex, my love letter to mac and cheese is an open admittance that I am addicted and it feels oh so good.

Dear Mac,

This has been a long time coming. You should have expected this.

You know how beautiful you are in your cheesy, pasta-y glory. You don’t need very many ingredients, but when you do bring friends to the party it’s truly a wonderful event. Even at your worst (in a cardboard cup with Velveeta cheese) you are still quite delicious.

I’m not sure who thought pasta and cheese would be a good combo, but I applaud them. Just kidding, of course I know your birth father. He’s one of our founding fathers (and apparently my Founding Father soul mate, according to Buzzfeed). The glorious Thomas Jefferson. You have such a fantastic father, Mac. I wish I were around during your younger years because I would have been instrumental in your upbringing.

I want you to know that you have been there for me through a lot. During my childhood, your Spongebob Squarepants and Scooby Doo shaped pasta ruled my world. During high school I ate you during many a sports banquet and team sleepover. College involved a lot of your instant and boxed variety (except those special occasions I baked you under a layer of breadcrumbs). Now, well, I’m just maintaining our relationship. I hope you’re cool with that.

I love you. That is all.

Yours truly,

Allie

mac

 

 

Like me here? You’ll love me even more on Twitter.

An Open Love Letter to Mac and Cheese

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