Humor

Renaming Elite Daily articles because they’re legitimately so unrealistic

Sometimes Elite Daily is fucking hilarious. Their Labs videos, like the one where the tall guy hooks up with girls just because he’s tall and wearing a hat, make me pee my pants. As fucked up as that video was, it’s sad to see that there are some women that are so desperate to do things “for the story” that they end up looking like idiots in the process. I feel like that’s something Elite Daily not only feeds off of but also encourages. Not that I don’t love a good article about how I’m living my life the wrong way or how to live it better (according to another self-righteous millennial), I just feel like sometimes these articles can perpetuate an unrealistic expectation – just me?

I decided to take a look at a few articles I saw in the last few days (by no means is this a comprehensive list) and update them to what is actually going through the stream of consciousness of an average single millennial. Check ’em out. Let me know what you think.

I Hate People: Why I’ll Never Work In The Retail Industry Again AKA I hate People: Why I’ll complain about working in the retail industry to anyone who will listen

Don’t Give Up: 8 Ways To Manage Your Time For Success Post-College AKA 8 Things to read about before you start actually managing your time

Sink Or Swim: 6 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before Graduating AKA 6 Things I wish I read on Elite Daily before graduating instead of figuring it out on my own

For Now Vs Forever: The Difference Between A Rebound And The Real Thing AKA Read this and realize that maybe you won’t find your husband at 23 and that’s cool

How I Broke The Rules Of Dating And Ended Up With A Boyfriend AKA I have a boyfriend: Maybe one day you will, too

Be Self-Aware: 5 Basic Things All 2015 Grads Need To Embrace ASAP AKA I used trendy words to convince you to read this article about not posting irresponsible photos to social media: PS your mistakes will follow you everywhere

Why I Chose To Travel Abroad When I Graduated Instead Of Get A Job AKA I couldn’t get a job so this seemed like a good excuse to do some “soul searching”

Great US Soccer Players Have One Thing In Common: They’re From New Jersey AKA If you’re from New Jersey you’re automatically #Blessed

Soooo am I totally off base? Or nah? Lmk.

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.
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History, Personal

P.S. I got a job in New York City

In case my last post about going on my first date in NYC didn’t tip you off…

Bring on the city boys!

I’m beyond excited to be moving home to the NY/NJ area and starting a new chapter of my life post-graduation. I’m excited to share my dating successes and (mostly) failures with the Internet. However, Boston will obviously always have a place in my heart – it’s where I grew up.

One would think this post would be all about the future but really I’d like to take a minute to talk about how much Boston will always mean to me.

It means responsibility. In high school we always have someone to remind us to do the important things. Once you move away – that person becomes you (or you roommate). I had to get a planner, set reminders, take notes, and not fuck anything up. I didn’t have my parents waking me up and driving me to school, I had to walk two miles in the snow to get to class even when I didn’t want to. Omg. I am becoming my parents.

It means maturity. Growing up is hard. Especially when you’re hours away from family and everything safe and cozy. Since the people you surround yourself are really your only family for the time being, putting petty things on the back burner is a necessity.

It means a little bit of immaturity. Growing up is hard. But being young is so much easier. Sometimes we did stupid things and then had to face the consequences and learn from them… Like that time I studied in bed and retained nothing and then got a D on my Finance midterm… Or the time we walked home from MIT in five inch heels and then couldn’t walk properly for like three days.

It means firsts. Jobs, apartments, bills, co-ops, frat parties, interviews, and so, so, so much more. Boston was the place where I got to experience all of the things that adults experience after graduating college and living at home for a few years. I went on my first job interview and got my first job (co-op, but same thing) at 19 years old. I was, for all intents and purposes, a functioning adult at 19. By 20 I had an apartment, bills, and a lease in my name.

It means lasts (kinda). I firmly believe that anything I do in Boston will not be the “last” time I do it there. Although I still have a “Boston Bucket List” in my Google Drive that I still haven’t completed, I feel like I’ve done a lot there and it’s kind of okay that I haven’t done everything. My visits to Boston are going to be fewer and further in between, but when I do get back one day I will most definitely whip out that list and go to town (literally).

It means history. Boston = American history. It also means my own history. At this point, looking back, I have amazing history in that city. I have landmarks that I cherish, bars I barely remember going to (including the oldest one in America), and places I’ve created lifelong memories.

It means winter. Sorry, I had to throw this in there. In my five years living there, I managed to survive two of Boston’s top 10 snowiest winters and two of the top 10 worst individual snowstorms. I almost moved to Florida.

It means the future. Boston is an amazing place with only good things to come. It’s only becoming more and more amazing with every passing year. With the impending Olympic decision, Boston is ramping up it’s overall accessibility, state-of-the-art public areas, residential (and hopefully affordable) housing, and dual commercial/communal spaces. I swear, I’m going to come back in five years and not even recognize my school.

It means family. I 100% believe that I have a family in Boston. Although there may not be a real bloodline involved, I have a Northeastern family, a Delta Zeta family, and a network of friends that will be there for me if I ever need it. We’re all moving around and choosing our own paths in life, but Boston is one thing we will always have in common. It will always be that nostalgic thing that we look back on and wonder why we ever left.

It means independence. This is the place that fostered my independence and showed me how to succeed on my own. I absolutely would not be the person I am today if I had not made the decision to move to Boston five long (but short) years ago. I learned to be my own person, to value my happiness first, to remove myself from toxic situations, and to truly trust myself.

I got wicked emotional writing this post and had to stop here. Tears on the keyboard. Check back for potential updates.

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor

My first date in NYC

Guys. I went on a real, live date over the weekend. And it wasn’t terrible. 

Whenever a semi normal looking/sounding guy on OkCupid messages me I’m always a little skeptical. Not necessarily about why he’s single or why he’s on that app, but more so about when things are going to take a turn for the worse. Is that a terrible outlook? Maybe. But I have my reasons – most of which you’ve read about.

Either way, this guy opened with a very original opener asking what I do for work. He totally called himself out on being unoriginal so I was on board. Anyone who is down to poke fun at themselves is okay in my book.

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Online Dating

Oneofuswillbangu

They are fucking back.

These five morons from my alma mater (they bring shame to our family) have created a joint Tinder account to presumably guarantee that they get laid. They are essentially saying that as long as you have a vagina, one of these respectable young men will gladly service it. Because they don’t discriminate.

Usually I would cover their faces but nah. They’re asking for this. Not like women who are “asking for it” for wearing an article of clothing. These guys are legitimately posting on Tinder that they are asking for it. From girls with “daddy issues” and “fat asses” and “big boobs. And small boobs.”

The most interesting part of this to me is not that these guys are all looking for sex, it’s the fact that they decided that a joint Tinder account would get them more pussy than their own would. (Soooo, you’re bringing the wingman to Tinder, interesting.)

To be totally honest, I actually know one or two of these clowns and any self-respecting female would absolutely not want to go near their nether regions. I’m not saying this because I’m bitter or something – I’m saying this because ew.

Part of me wanted to swipe right just to find out how their whole process works. Do they all swipe? Does one guy swipe on behalf of all five? Do they decide which girl gets matched up with which guy or do they allow the girl to choose her own fate? WHY DON’T THEY HAVE THEIR OWN TINDER ACCOUNTS?!

If anyone can offer up an opinion I am very confused and would love some insight. Ladies? Men? Bueller?

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, Online Dating

Even Batman takes shits?

Just to prove to you that this has happened more than once…

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 8.52.54 AM

Ugh. 

If you’re confused about what I’m talking about… See this post for reference. Hint: This NEVER WORKS.

Obviously this did not pass my strict filters. I had to search in the depths of my Filtered Messages for this gem. Only so I could immediately delete it and open up space for more creepy messages. Ain’t nobody got time to pay for A-List.

 

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Humor, Media, OkCupid, Opinion

Does this ever work for you?

Questions for the male population taking part in online dating.

I sometimes receive messages and I openly wonder, “Has this ever worked for you in the past?”

There are some first messages that you just can’t ignore. Okay, usually I do ignore them. But in theory I want to ask if their weird pickup line has worked in the past, who it’s worked on, and what the end result was – I guess that’s the social scientist in me that is genuinely interested and curious about human interaction. I mean, that’s one of the reasons I have so many online dating profiles (aside from the obvious: being single).

Get it?! What's Updog?!?! HAHAHHAHAHA. not.

Get it?! What’s Updog?!?! HAHAHHAHAHA. not.

Like this winner. I believe this natural wordsmith must have really dug into the recesses of his brain to think of this one (or at least thought back to the third grade when this was a thing). Sure, I could have played along. But honestly, if I’m not instantly attracted to you – or at least determine that I wouldn’t blow you off if you approached me in a bar – I’m not going to respond. It’s not because I’m rude, either. I have a right to respond to whomever I want. So to all you guys that say I “owe” them at least some sort of response and that it’s “common courtesy”: I DON’T. AND FUCK OFF.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Slight rage about being bitched at for not responding to an ugly guy aside. This photo above shows why online dating is so fucking dumb. (Might as well rename it #OKStupid, amiright?) This guy starts out okay; he comes on a little strong, sure, but the words are nice so you can’t really hold it against him. And then you read the last sentence. It kind of hits you like a truck, honestly. I’m not some kind of communist that isn’t aware that this is a joke, but this isn’t Improv Asylum is it? This is supposed to be “dating.” Would you say this to someone standing on line at Starbucks? Would you say this to someone next to you at the bar? Would you say this to the owner of the cute dog you’re walking past on the street? I THINK NOT. (Is that how people used to meet in the olden days? I really don’t know. It was just a guess.)

The moral of the story is: If it wouldn’t work in person, don’t say it online.

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

Always,

Allie

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Personal, Puppy

Pep-date

Remember when I posted that I got a new puppy? Oh yeah, September 10th, 2013…the last time I posted on here. Well she’s grown up a bit. She’s now a 50 lb, 1 year old monster. Ok, she’s actually not a monster at all. She’s the best dog. I trained her so well (*dirts off my shoulder*). She is good off-leash and she knows about seven commands (sit, stay, down, paw, high five, up, and speak). I think she also speaks English and understands emotions.

photo 1

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