News

Hit the bunkers people, zombies are upon us

After increased interest in the Miami face-eating attack, I’ve been reading a little more on the Zombie Apocalypse that is upon us. I was never ones of the crazies that really, legitimately thought zombies were loose on Earth – but with all this evidence, it’s becoming more and more hard to contain my sanity.

The zombies have moved to New Jersey (does this really shock anyone), evidenced by the man who stabbed himself and threw his intestines at police officers in Hackensack. Said police officers then usedtwo cans of pepper spray on the man with no effect.

This is after more than one school in Florida was shut down due to a mystery rash. This is also after a doctor was pulled over and arrested for almost hitting a cop car, spat blood at a cop and banged his head on Plexiglas until bleeding.

Not to mention, this happened:

What the hell is going on in our country? Are people legitimately trying to be nut cases? Are all the drug addicts coming out all at once to scare us? Or are people turning into the undead?

What. The. Literal. Hell.

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This woman was attacked by a “tame” cheetah in Africa. Now, not to be Captain Obvious or anything, but didn’t this woman think, “Oh this is a carnivorous animal that hunts helpless and pathetic creatures like myself all day every day” for one second? I mean, come on now. She violated the most basic rule of going on safari: DON’T DIE.

Anyway, she sucks. But the more pressing issue here is that her husband, instead of coming to her rescue, decided to snap pictures and forever document his wife’s worst moment. Really bro? Really? I realize that cutting in to this little tango may have been a mild death wish but, hey, at least he could say he tried.

World News

Adderall is too mainstream for the Chinese

The Chinese are the world’s hipsters. Since Adderall is too mainstream for them (or too weak, whatever) they’re using IVs of amino acids to perk up enough to study for exams. We in America feel bad for ourselves during finals week…what if this was your life leading up to one exam that would make or break you forever? I guess I’ll never understand those troubles – mostly because forms of human torture are illegal here in the US of A. But if you want a hilarious commentary about this news story – click here for the TFTC version.

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