Online Dating

Oneofuswillbangu

They are fucking back.

These five morons from my alma mater (they bring shame to our family) have created a joint Tinder account to presumably guarantee that they get laid. They are essentially saying that as long as you have a vagina, one of these respectable young men will gladly service it. Because they don’t discriminate.

Usually I would cover their faces but nah. They’re asking for this. Not like women who are “asking for it” for wearing an article of clothing. These guys are legitimately posting on Tinder that they are asking for it. From girls with “daddy issues” and “fat asses” and “big boobs. And small boobs.”

The most interesting part of this to me is not that these guys are all looking for sex, it’s the fact that they decided that a joint Tinder account would get them more pussy than their own would. (Soooo, you’re bringing the wingman to Tinder, interesting.)

To be totally honest, I actually know one or two of these clowns and any self-respecting female would absolutely not want to go near their nether regions. I’m not saying this because I’m bitter or something – I’m saying this because ew.

Part of me wanted to swipe right just to find out how their whole process works. Do they all swipe? Does one guy swipe on behalf of all five? Do they decide which girl gets matched up with which guy or do they allow the girl to choose her own fate? WHY DON’T THEY HAVE THEIR OWN TINDER ACCOUNTS?!

If anyone can offer up an opinion I am very confused and would love some insight. Ladies? Men? Bueller?

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

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Media, Social Media

I’m online dating. Lol.

Online dating. Realistically, that’s how my generation dates now. Since I’m no longer in college and can’t meet future boyfriends after six (teen) tequila shots at a Cinco de Mayo party (shouts to you, Deacon), I guess I’m officially venturing into the world of online dating and apps.

Disclaimer: I’ve actually been “online dating” for a few months, but I haven’t really documented my experiences.

So what apps are on my phone, you ask?

Tinder: With the release of it’s new paid premium version it kind of sucks. I haven’t yet hit my “no more matches until you pay” screen, yet, but I’m just assuming. I downloaded Tinder about a year ago and used it pretty hardcore during my last semester of college and even throughout the summer. After that I sort of deleted it off-and-on based on when I was the most bored. I met a sex friend I endearingly call “Finance Bro” on Tinder around last April and we “hung out” until about October-ish. At least now I can say I’ve hooked up in an office in the Pru?

OkCupid: Ugh. It’s a love-hate relationship with this one. I’ve actually gone on some pretty decent dates off this app, but the amount of creepy/persistent/awkward messages I get may or may not make it worth it. It seems like about 1/5 of guys on this app actually want to date, 1/5 are looking for a hookup (go to Tinder, bros), 1/5 are just perpetual online pen pals that never actually ask you out, and 1/5 are in a relationship and looking for a third party to join in on the fun, and the other 1/5 just cant take a hint when you ignore their three messages saying “hey.”

Happn: I’m actually excited about this new app. It started in France (and, like, they understand love, right?) and it basically does what Tinder does – uses your location to match you with people. Except it shows you how many times you’ve “crossed paths” with someone. The only problem I’ve noticed is that I take the train every morning, so it matches me with people who live/work/exist along the routes my train takes. I would rather it connect to Facebook events or something where you could actually pinpoint where you’ve crossed paths, instead of “Near Saint Botolph St, 02115 Boston.” But that’s okay. I’ll give it a chance. No bites so far (not sure if that’s good or bad) but I’m excited to see what becomes of it here in Boston. Will I become a trendsetter??!! That’s only sort of my life goal.

Well, wish me luck?

Always,
Allie

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Humor

The real problem with “online dating”

I’m not going to suggest that online dating is inherently bad. I know your cousins sister met this amazing man on Match.com that they ended up marrying and they, like, should totally be on the commercial. Good for them. Seriously.

I’m also not going to suggest that dating of yesteryear is superior to online dating. Dating, like laws and stuff, changes with time. It’s sort of an important part of evolution I guess.

The problem with online dating, as a 22 year old female living in a large city, is that it’s not actually online dating. To be totally clear, I’m totally fine with and into the whole “hookup culture” thing. That’s not really what I’m getting at.

What I’m getting at is that just because people don’t have your full name and phone number does not mean that you’re not talking to an actual person. The problem with online dating – actually, I’m going to call it online fishing – is that people grow massive balls and say things that they would never say to a person’s face. I know that’s sort of where we get the show Catfish from, but not everyone pretends to be a 18 year old cheerleader when they’re actually a 42 year old accountant. Even if 23-year-old James that is 6 miles away from me is actually a 23-year-old man named James that lives 6 miles away from me, it doesn’t mean that his opening line should be, “Can you handle my big dick?”

I’ve gotten some fantastic pickup lines in my 2 1/2 months on Tinder and 2 1/2 days on OkCupid and I fully plan to share them with you all. Yes, I’m sort of turning them both into a social experiment – sorry boys, your names will be omitted to protect the guilty. Maybe.

The other problem with online fishing is that it absolutely ruins jealous people. I have personally found my friends boyfriends/FWBs/”exclusive” partners/whatever on Tinder and promptly sent it to my group chat to laugh about.

For now, here’s one gem that I especially appreciated:

Full Disclosure: This is actually one of my very very good friends. I texted him a screenshot of his Tinder profile and said I swiped right. This was his response. Pure gold. Ladies, let me know if you want his number.

Full Disclosure: This is actually one of my very very good friends. I texted him a screenshot of his Tinder profile and said I swiped right. This was his response. Pure gold. Ladies, let me know if you want his number.

Like me here? You’ll love me even more on Twitter.

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