One-liners gone wrong

I love a good pickup line. Actually, I don’t even like a good pickup line, I like clever ones (or at least ones that make me giggle and not face-palm). However, more often than not, the pickup lines I encounter make me want to throw my phone across the room and declare my eternal single-ness from the top of the Empire State Building.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A: To give you some background, on my profile it says I’m good at being sarcastic and parallel parking. I’m not sure why he would but those two things together to create one very weird connection, but he did. I’m also not sure what he expected my response to be – “Yes, I usually use irony and wit when I’m talking to parking spots I’m trying to get into.”

Exhibit B

Exhibit B: Did he miss the part where I said I was interested in men?! In all fairness, maybe he did. But either way, why does he think I care what his sister thinks of me? Realistically, I wouldn’t meet the family until at least a few months into dating and we’re just not there yet. At least take me to dinner first. Also, why would your sisters taste in women affect your taste in women? Are you turned on by the same type? I’m seeing multiple red flags here…

Exhibit C

Exhibit C: I’m relatively certain neither of these things are happening. Ever. Also, put a space between your word and your wink 😉

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

Connect Zero

My roommate’s boyfriend told me about this new thing people were doing on Tinder – starting Connect 4 games in order to get girls to actually respond. Scott is from Canada and was visiting for New Years and I was like, OK CANADA, whatever you say… No one does that shit.

And then it happened. Granted, it was like two months later, but a guy messaged me with a Connect 4 board on OkCupid.

I mean… it was a valiant effort

I had previously ignored him which is why I’m confused as to why he would spend all that time carefully crafting this board, but I guess it’s a good try. It seems relatively harmless. Sure, I could have responded, but that literally takes SO much effort just to type out! And I mean I’m not online dating to play board games with strangers with weird/terrifying eyebrows…

Always,

Allie

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

Does this ever work for you?

Questions for the male population taking part in online dating.

I sometimes receive messages and I openly wonder, “Has this ever worked for you in the past?”

There are some first messages that you just can’t ignore. Okay, usually I do ignore them. But in theory I want to ask if their weird pickup line has worked in the past, who it’s worked on, and what the end result was – I guess that’s the social scientist in me that is genuinely interested and curious about human interaction. I mean, that’s one of the reasons I have so many online dating profiles (aside from the obvious: being single).

Get it?! What’s Updog?!?! HAHAHHAHAHA. not.

Like this winner. I believe this natural wordsmith must have really dug into the recesses of his brain to think of this one (or at least thought back to the third grade when this was a thing). Sure, I could have played along. But honestly, if I’m not instantly attracted to you – or at least determine that I wouldn’t blow you off if you approached me in a bar – I’m not going to respond. It’s not because I’m rude, either. I have a right to respond to whomever I want. So to all you guys that say I “owe” them at least some sort of response and that it’s “common courtesy”: I DON’T. AND FUCK OFF.

Ugh.

Slight rage about being bitched at for not responding to an ugly guy aside. This photo above shows why online dating is so fucking dumb. (Might as well rename it #OKStupid, amiright?) This guy starts out okay; he comes on a little strong, sure, but the words are nice so you can’t really hold it against him. And then you read the last sentence. It kind of hits you like a truck, honestly. I’m not some kind of communist that isn’t aware that this is a joke, but this isn’t Improv Asylum is it? This is supposed to be “dating.” Would you say this to someone standing on line at Starbucks? Would you say this to someone next to you at the bar? Would you say this to the owner of the cute dog you’re walking past on the street? I THINK NOT. (Is that how people used to meet in the olden days? I really don’t know. It was just a guess.)

The moral of the story is: If it wouldn’t work in person, don’t say it online.

P.S. Follow me on Twittah. Ya won’t regret it.

Always,

Allie

Upload a photo, damnit

Here’s one more thing I don’t understand about online dating: People who don’t upload photos of themselves.

There is a reason these people do not have photos and it is absolutely not casual. The most common excuse I’ve received is: “I’m new to this site and haven’t had the chance to upload photos yet” or “I am a (insert job title here) and I don’t want my clients/ex-gf/coworkers to see me on here.”

“I’m new to this site and haven’t uploaded photos yet” 

Here’s the issue with that. You have time to search for people and message them, but you don’t have the time to upload a photo? Really? For some reason you’re making me think that you’re actually really gross looking and have no photos of yourself or you’re a 15 year old kid looking to cyber. Either way, no thanks.

“I am a parter at a law firm and I don’t want my coworkers to see me on here.”

Okay. Let me just clear something up. You’re online dating not taking part in beastiality. Pretty much every single person (and even maybe some in relationships) has an online dating app on their phone. It is not the 90’s and it is no longer taboo to meet people online.

Double trouble

Some guys are even crazy enough to use both excuses in one message – and have the balls to upload a picture anyway. Just to clarify – what were you planning to say on here that would scare away your clients? God forbid you tell the Internet that you enjoy long walks on the beach and candlelight dinners. I’m sure that would really implicate you in a court of law. Speaking of which, would things that your clients have on their online dating profile be held against them to a prosecution?

Word of advice: Upload a photo if you want girls to respond to you. Don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t want the general public to know about you (because some girls you message might just blog about it later…)

Always,

Allie